Emotionally Close

A Natural Longing; to be Emotionally Close

Posted by Orlando Therapy Project

Jennifer Sigman, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in marriage counseling and anxiety. Jennifer utilizes mindfulness practices to help her clients better understand and improve themselves and their relationships. For more information about attachment and couple’s therapy contact Jennifer Sigman, MS, LMFT at www.OrlandoTherapyProject.com, Sigmantherapy@aol.com or telephone 407-415-9017. 

A Natural Longing; to be Emotionally Close

By: Jennifer Sigman, LMFT

Lack of “secure attachment” can be the cause of many presenting issues that walk through a therapist’s door.  It can be what drives people to marriage therapy or individual therapy, but it’s often disguised as something else; fighting, depression or anxiety. When people come to marriage therapy they usually present with a primary issue such as “communication” or “trust.” In individual therapy, people often present with an issue of stress, worry, avoidant behavior or a conflictual one, such as anger. The primary issue is usually talked about in general ways, until a therapist is able to drill down to a more specific outline of the issue.  Often it is discovered, through the clinical interview, that the primary issue is in fact not the primary issue. Instead, what is identified as the primary issue turns out to be a secondary issue, or a spin-off of the primary issue.  

An example of this is a couple who present with “bad communication” as their primary issue. After spending time with their therapist, it is uncovered that the couple’s 16 year old son has a stronger relationship with the husband than the wife. The husband says his wife has been emotionally absent for their son. She agrees and says that she has tried, but never understood the husband’s “tight relationship” with their son. She blames her husband for not pushing their son back to her, for motherly support, at critical times.  During their appointment, it’s dismissively identified that the wife drinks at least a bottle of wine a night and has for 14 years. She says her husband just doesn’t understand the pressure she has in her life and that’s what causes their “bad communication.”

Secure attachment, answers these questions in the affirmative; “Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need, when I call? Do I matter to you?” according to Dr. Sue Johnson. Without secure attachment in our intimate relationships, the alarm system in our brain is continuously going off causing us to feel “in danger.” (The Limbic System in our brain doesn’t distinguish physical from emotional danger.) This alarm signals the rest of the body to be on high alert, to fight or flight. As a way to self sooth, our response may be to become demanding and clinging or withdrawn and detached, from our significant relationships. At the core, all are different ways of expressing, I need you, be with me, or, I’m going to protect myself and I won’t let you hurt me.