You are Resilient

Have you ever noticed that some people bounce back from tough times easier than others? Some people seem to "roll with it" + their attitudes are sprinkled with humor or a positive outlook. They can find their way thoughtfully through a problem. They appear to be flexible. You turn to them in tough times because they always leave you feeling optimistic + they can see the silver lining. 

This is resilience and we all have it. Some people feed it with fertilizer so it grows big and beautiful. Thoughtful that if they don't feed it, their resilience will wilt, they practice certain things every single day. You can practice these things too. 

There are 9 pillars of reliance and at least one proven practice for improving + growing + strengthening your resilience. 

Remembering who you are when you haven't seen yourself for awhile. 

Start by recalling how you got through a difficult time in the time past. What strategies did you use? What did you do to "come up for air"? What story did you tell yourself? This is resilience. Now water + fertilize that in the days + weeks to come. You're on the right track.  

 Quick Take-Aways

9 Pillars of Resilience

• Optimism

• Altruism

• Moral Compass

• Faith and Spirituality

• Humor

• Having a Role Model

• Social Supports

• Facing Fear

• Meaning or Purpose in Life

A Proven practice for improving resilience

Change the narrative 

"When something bad happens, we often relive the event over and over in our heads, rehashing the pain. This process is called rumination; it’s like a cognitive spinning of the wheels, and it doesn’t move us forward toward healing and growth.  

The practice of Expressive Writing can move us forward by helping us gain new insights on the challenges in our lives. It involves free writing continuously for 20 minutes about an issue, exploring your deepest thoughts and feelings around it. The goal is to get something down on paper, not to create a memoir-like masterpiece."

For more information on changing the narrative: https://positivepsychology.com/3-resilience-scales/

For more information on the pillars: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/five_science_backed_strategies_to_build_resilience

Why You’re Listening All Wrong in Your Marriage

Life gets busy. Pause. Breath deeply. Try again.

The longer you're married, the more likely you'll hear the phrase “You never listen.” Hearing is one of our primary senses, though we don’t pay much attention to it. Like sight and taste, we take it for granted until it’s interfered with… through a cold, a bad cell phone connection or deafness. Partly, we don't think of listening as a skill. Like eyesight or tasting, we don't know we can improve it. We just assume that we're always hearing/listening and doing a fine job.

I once read that the beginning of a new love relationship is like being intimate with a “Big Ear.” Your new relationship partner hangs on to every syllable and listens to every word you say. They are totally "tuned in" - and this is a turn on! This leaves you feeling good. Cared for. It’s in these moments of the relationship that we feel most connected, most heard and ironically most “seen”. If the relationship progresses, we feel accepted.

Perhaps we consider marriage the ultimate sign of acceptance. If someone agrees to merge their life with ours, despite our sometimes unsavory stories of a character flaw or a life dramatically lived, we can put down the Big Ear and get on with the mundane tasks of day to day living. We float back to listening as we always have... only tuning in to hear, when the station is of interest.

Our marriage partner often does the same thing. Now, they listen with half the effort of the Big Ear. This pattern can lead to marriages that get into the poor communication rut. Maybe it looks like this:

• Everyone is talking and no one is listening.

• Your partner is talking and you're interrupting.

• Your partner is talking and you’re thinking of “the right answer”.

• You’re scared to ask questions because you don’t know what to do with the answers.

• You take their words so personally, it’s hard to listen.

• Your marriage partner is talking and you’re not tuned in at all.

We make mistakes and that’s okay because we’re all human. However, if you practice these Don’ts and Dos you’ll ultimately build your skillset and find connection in your marriage again.

DON’T:

1. Focus on your answer.

2. Fidget.

3. Try to shut down the conversation quickly.

4. Personalize what your loved one is saying and become defensive.

5. Hold your breath.

6. Stare so hard you’re not blinking.

7. Rush to fill the silence.

The good news is to be a good listener, you don’t have to know the answer or come up with an immediate solution. Most connection happens when you’re being the “Big Ear”.

DO:

1. Slow and relax your body movements.

2. Express curiosity “How was that ____ for you?”

3. Offer words of understanding. “That makes sense…” or “I understand you could feel that way.”

4. Take thoughtful breaths.

5. Pause and allow 2 seconds of silence before you fill the space with words.

6. When it’s particularly uncomfortable, remind yourself that you are loved by this person.

What matters, is that both people in the marriage want to feel connected. They know they felt appreciated and accepted at some point in time and they’re willing to hang in there to get back to those old feelings. Listening is different than hearing. Enter these moments with the intention to hear. Get tuned in, turned on and watch your marriage connection grow.

CLICK HERE... for a good example of right listening.

Surviving an Affair: The Wounding Party Needs to Become a Marriage Rebuilder

The roller coaster after the affair is hard but not impossible

The pain felt by the wounded party after the revelation of an affair is immense.  They feel blindsided. Their world has been turned upside down. Everything they thought to be true in their marriage is now in question. They hear everything through a filter of “possible lie” and betrayal.  Even truths that they have known in the marriage for years are now taken into question. I’ve heard clients say, the person they love most in the world has “stabbed them in the back.” Unfortunately, all too often the wounding party underestimates the damage and pain inflicted on their spouse and the marriage.

In the immediate days and weeks following the disclosure or discovery of an infidelity, the wounding party can feel numb, avoidant, shame-filled or remorse. None of these emotions create the same emotional roller coaster that the wounded party feels. However, each party gets caught in the emotional dilemma of wanting connection and not wanting connection with each other. Clearly, this is a tough time and the marriage becomes very fragile.

These first days and weeks are critical to the survival of the marriage. If the wounding party immediately takes the right steps, the repair work can begin. If the person who stepped out of the relationship can now see their role as the *“marriage rebuilder” they can weather the roller coaster ahead.

Seven “DO” steps the wounding party can take immediately, to help start repairing the marriage:

1.     Come clean. Truth. Truth. Truth. Full truth.

2.     Let your spouse express their pain as often as they need.

3.     Answer the same question 100 times.

4.     Take it on the chin.

5.     Acknowledge your actions as being incredibly painful and wrong.

6.     Apologize often. Then, apologize more.

7.     Break ALL ties with the affair partner.

8.     Hold space for your loved one’s pain. 

(Read next BLOG post on Why You’re Listening Wrong in Your Marriage)

If you are the wounding spouse and you want to save your marriage, you must take your role as “the healer” immediately.  For more information about creating repair after an infidelity and becoming a successful Marriage Rebuilder read: * How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Guild for the Unfaithful By Linda MacDonald. 

Book: How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair