Reframe it and Embrace it!

I was listening to Talk of the Nation on NPR recently and Neil Conan was talking to Ellen Langer whose books include Counter Clockwise: Mindful Health and the Power of Possibility and Mindfulness and The Power of Mindful Learning.

A man called in and said that he uses mindfulness as a way to change a negative experience into a neutral or positive experience. He gave the example of cleaning the bathroom. He said that when his wife asks him to clean the bathroom, instead of saying to himself “I have to clean the bathroom” –ugh, he reframes it and says “I get to clean the bathroom.”  He explained that he consciously considers all the people who don’t have their physical health and can’t clean, who have lost their homes and don’t have a bathroom to clean or (my addition) have lost their spouse who might have asked them to clean.  Suddenly, it becomes a chore of appreciation rather than an irritating request by a spouse. 

I wonder how you can reframe things in your life and relationships; it can reduce external and internal conflict and may bring you some surprising peacefulness.  I reframe my teenager’s messy rooms all the time. I think:  it’s not that they’re showing disrespect to me, it’s that they’re not insecure and anxious to please others and they’re relaxed enough with me to let me see their “real” selves. See how this works ;-).

Mind-Body Connection

The mind-body connection is when the body reacts to something the mind is thinking. An example is, if you think about a very stressful situation in your life, you can raise your heart rate. Conversely, if you think about a stress free, calm and pleasant time you can lower your heart rate; all without moving from your chair!  You can also experience this connection through sounds, smells and pictures that remind you of things that are happy/good or challenging/bad.

Secure Attachment = Happier Relationships.

Secure attachment, answers these questions in the affirmative; “Do I matter to you? Will you be there for me if I fall? Will you hold my hand if I'm sick?" According to Dr. Sue Johnson, secure attachment is a natural element in healthy relationships. 

Think of happy children. They have secure attachment to their parent(s).

However, without secure attachment in our intimate relationships, the alarm system in our brain  continuously goes off, causing us to feel “in danger.” This alarm signals the rest of the body to be on high alert, to fight or flight. Our response to this internal warning may be to become demanding and clingy or withdrawn and detached from our significant relationships. However, at the core we're yelling, "I need you, please be with me" or  "I’m going to protect myself and I won’t let you hurt me."

Lack of “secure attachment” can be the cause of many presenting issues that walk through my therapy practice doors. It drive people to marriage & relationship counseling and individual therapy. But,  it’s often disguised as something else: anxiety, worry, fighting or depression.

Often when couples and individuals come to therapy, they ignore their normal human need to be emotionally close, as this might somehow define them as co-dependent, needy or weak. Instead they focus on the actions or re-actions that present from their insecure attachments ie. anger, fighting, bad communication, anxiety or depression.

Once we understand the importance of our attachments, we can begin to make significant changes in our life and relationships.