I Called It Love - But It Was Self-Abandonment

For years, I called it love.

But if I’m honest, it was self-abandonment — the kind that feels noble until it leaves you hollow.

I stayed when I should’ve gone. I apologized for things that weren’t mine. I stayed quiet when I was really screaming. I told myself I was being kind when what I was really doing was disappearing.

It took me a long time to see that the greatest distance in my relationships wasn’t between me and the people I loved — it was between me and myself.

In therapy, I see this every day: women who equate loyalty with self-sacrifice. We confuse being loving with being selfless. But there’s a difference between loving and losing yourself in the process.

IFS (Internal Family Systems) has language for this. It teaches that we are made of many parts — our protectors, our exiles, our inner critics, our Self-energy. When we stop listening to one of those voices because it’s confusing, inconvenient, or painful, we’re abandoning that part of ourselves. When we silence the part that says, “This doesn’t feel right,” because we don’t want conflict, we abandon the truth-teller — our core Self. When we push away the part that’s angry or scared, we exile the one who most needs our compassion. When we overwork, overgive, or over-care, we often do it to keep those vulnerable parts quiet — yet tell ourselves the story that we’re being helpful, valuable, and therefore worthy of love.

That’s self-abandonment in real time.

I know because I’ve done it, too. I’ve heard that inner whisper — the one that says, “This isn’t working,” or “That’s a dealbreaker” — and I’ve told it, “Not now.” I’ve ignored my gut and called it being patient. I’ve silenced the part that wanted honesty and called it peace — and even, sometimes, strategy.

How can I connect in a relationship if I’m not even there — if I’ve already abandoned myself?

Loving yourself more doesn’t mean loving others less. It means loving them from a place of wholeness instead of self-lessness or abandonment. It means listening to your parts — the wise one, the hurt one, the tired one, the brave one, the scared one — and letting them know they matter. Letting your wise Self lead. It means trusting that you have room and time for others without leaving yourself behind.

Coming home to yourself isn’t dramatic. It’s small moments of honesty: pausing before you say yes, checking in with yourself and noticing when your body tightens, choosing you with kindness and without apology, speaking the truth even when your voice shakes.

You don’t have to earn your place by disappearing. You belong here — exactly as you are.

If this resonates, therapy is a place where you can find your way back to yourself. Your whole Self.

“How can I connect in a relationship if I’m not even there—if I’ve already abandoned myself?”

— JS

Unraveling the Heartache: Top 6 Challenges After Discovering an Affair

Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful can feel like one of the most devastating experiences you’ll ever have - your world has been turned upside down, leaving you feeling lost and overwhelmed. While it’s completely normal to experience a whirlwind of emotions during this time, I assure you, none of it will feel normal. Let’s explore some common feelings you might be going through, and I’ll provide some “pro tips” on navigating them.

1. Emotional Turmoil What You Might Be Feeling: A mix of anger, sadness, confusion, and even numbness. You might want to seek revenge or act in a way that’s out of character for you. These emotions can come and go, often without warning, making you feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster.

Pro Tip: Allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgment and without acting out on them. Consider writing down your thoughts to prevent them from repeating in your head. Over time the intensity will lessen, and you’ll never regret acting with a cool head. Talk to a trusted friend or therapist regularly to help process your feelings.

2. Intrusive Thoughts What You Might Be Experiencing: Constantly thinking about the affair, replaying events, or imagining scenarios. You may also find yourself going back in time, stringing together timelines and trying to figure out how you got blindsided.

Pro Tip: Engage in practices such as thought replacement, distraction, or physical movement to manage these thoughts. Distracting yourself with a hot bath or engaging in healthy activities that tire you out, like a vigorous walk, can also help. Avoid excessive caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol right now. They can make you feel worse.

3. Self-Doubt What You Might Be Questioning: Your self-worth. You may question your looks, your weight, or how you dress. You may wonder what you did wrong.

Pro Tip: Remember, the affair reflects your partner’s poor choice; it’s not a reflection of you. You should not take responsibility for someone else’s behavior. Surround yourself with reasonable and supportive people. Engage in activities that remind you of your core values and remember what you like about yourself.

4. Trust Issues What You Might Be Feeling: Trusting your partner might seem impossible right now. You might be reluctant to believe you could ever trust them again. That feels dangerous and confusing.

Pro Tip: Rebuilding trust can happen, but it takes time and specific actions. It’s essential to have safe and honest communication with your partner right now, and lots of it. Designating time for these conversations is essential. Seeking a Marriage/Couples Therapist who has experience in affair recovery can provide a safe setting to understand the path forward.

5. Fear of Judgment What You Might Be Worried About: What friends, family, or others might think of your partner or what they might think about you for staying or leaving. We’ve all said, “If that ever happened to me, I’d____” (and usually in a firm voice).

Pro Tip: Be thoughtful about whom you confide in, opting for those who will offer you support without judgment. If you don’t have anyone to lean on, know you’re not alone. Professional counselling can help, but there’s support in educating yourself too - with podcasts or books. There are excellent resources out there.

6. Uncertainty About the Future What You Might Be Feeling: Not knowing what lies ahead can be daunting. The foundation of your life has just crumbled, and the future, as you imagined it, has been destroyed.

Pro Tip: Focus on the present moment and take things one step at a time. Setting small, achievable goals can help you regain a sense of control. Time may move slowly (for a while), so keep your routine as normal as possible to stay afloat. When it feels like nothing is in your control, remember all the small and medium things that are (in fact) in your control.

Some Books That Might Help Reading can offer comfort and guidance during this challenging time. Here are some books that others have found helpful:

1. “After the Affair” by Janis Abrahms Spring This book provides insights into healing and rebuilding trust after infidelity.
2. “Not ‘Just Friends’” by Shirley P. Glass It delves into understanding and recovering from emotional and physical affairs.
3. “The State of Affairs” by Esther Perel Esther Perel offers a thought-provoking look at infidelity and its impact on relationships.

Summary:

In the immediate aftermath of relationship betrayal, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed by a flood of emotions. This is an incredibly challenging time, and it’s important to honor your feelings rather than ignore them. Allow yourself to cry (whenever you need to), and remember to breathe deeply to help calm your body. Taking care of your physical health is crucial; ensure you stay hydrated and consider taking vitamins and minerals to support your body during this stressful period. Understand that healing is a slow, steady journey—take it one hour and one day at a time. Many have walked this path before you; they are the brave individuals all around you. Be kind and loving to your broken heart—it needs your compassion now more than ever. Lean on trusted friends, family, or professionals for support, and remember that seeking help is courageous. With time, patience, and self-care, you will find your way through this devastation to a better tomorrow. The sun will shine again.

If you’re seeking support from an experienced therapist who has guided countless couples through the challenges of affair recovery over the past three decades, I’m here to help. If you're in the Orlando, Florida area or willing to travel in for an intensive,together, we can navigate this difficult journey toward healing and rebuilding trust. Find more information HERE

What If We All Took One More Step?

What if we all took one more step? One more step in your marriage, one more step in the abundance of your physical health. Sometimes progress doesn’t come in giant leaps—it comes in one small, intentional step forward.

"What if we each decided, today, to take just one more step?"

Whether it’s toward healing, better relationships, physical health, or a deeper sense of spiritual connection, that one extra step might be what carries us closer to the life we long for.

In my work as a marriage therapist here in Orlando, Winter Park, Lake Mary, and Altamonte Springs, I see how couples begin to rebuild after feeling hopeless. Often, the turning point isn’t a breakthrough session or a huge change—it’s the moment one partner decides to take one small step toward the other. A step toward listening. A step toward forgiveness. A step toward showing up when it would be easier to withdraw. They show intention in one more step.

The Power of a Small Step

Taking one more step isn’t just for therapy—it’s for all of us. It might look like:

• Choosing to move your body with one walk around Lake Eola instead of sitting out another day. • Reaching out to a one friend in Winter Park for coffee instead of staying isolated. • Sitting quietly for five minutes of prayer, meditation, or reflection, one time instead of scrolling your phone. • Drinking one more glass of water, or making one nourishing meal. These aren’t huge, overwhelming tasks. They’re tiny moments that compound into resilience.

Why It Matters Resilience isn’t about never being knocked down—it’s about building the strength to get back up. Spiritually, physically, emotionally, and relationally, each small choice is like a brick in the foundation of a more grounded life. For couples, that foundation becomes the safety net that catches them when things feel fragile. For individuals, it’s the quiet confidence that they have some control and life doesn’t have to change all at once.

So, I ask you: What would your one more step look like today? Maybe it’s calling a therapist. Maybe it’s sending a “Hello” text to your loved one.. Maybe it’s just breathing deeply, 5 count in and hold, 5 count our and hold, and reminding yourself you’re still here, still capable, still growing.

Here in Central Florida—Orlando, Winter Park, Lake Mary, and Altamonte Springs—we live in communities that thrive on growth, resilience, and connection.

Imagine the collective ripple effect if each of us took just one more step in the direction of connection, healing, health, and wholeness. We’d all be a little happier.

You don’t have to know the whole path. Just take the next step.

Grounding Habits for Fall: Preparing for the Season Ahead

As the heat of summer fades and the air of fall begins to get drier and settle in, many of us feel the shift — not just in temperature, but in energy. Fall in Central Florida (yes, even here in Orlando where the leaves don’t change as dramatically) brings shorter days, a slower rhythm, and the anticipation of the holiday season. This is the perfect time to create grounding habits that will support your mental health and emotional balance all the way through the holidays. Whether you’re in Orlando, Winter Park, Lake Mary, Altamonte Springs, Oviedo, Maitland, or Longwood, these simple habits can help you stay centered during what is often one of the busiest and most emotionally charged times of the year.

Why Grounding Matters in Fall Autumn naturally encourages us to turn inward. But without intention, it’s easy for the shorter days and holiday stress to overwhelm us. Grounding habits are simple daily practices that keep you present,calm, and connected to yourself. These small, consistent routines act like an anchor, especially when family gatherings, travel, and year-end responsibilities start piling up.

Three Grounding Habits to Start Now

1. Morning Ritual: Begin With Stillness Start your day with five quiet minutes — no phone, no news. Whether it’s sipping coffee on your porch in Winter Park, journaling in your Altamonte Springs home office, or a quick meditation before the kids wake up in Oviedo, this daily pause sets the tone for everything that follows.

• Tip: Try writing down three intentions for your day. Keep them simple and realistic.

2. Create a “Transition Walk” As the sun sets earlier, our bodies need cues to wind down. A short evening walk around your neighborhood — maybe around Lake Eola in Orlando, the Cross Seminole Trail in Lake Mary, or strolling the quiet streets of Maitland — can serve as a ritual that separates your busy day from your restful evening. Movement plus nature is one of the most effective grounding combinations.

3. Protect Your Weekends The holiday season quickly fills with obligations, but your weekends don’t need to disappear into to-do lists. Protect at least one weekend morning or afternoon for rest and connection. That might look like visiting the Winter Park Farmers Market, cooking a nourishing meal at home in Longwood, or spending time with loved ones in ways that feel calm, not chaotic.

A Therapist’s Reminder

Grounding isn’t about doing more — it’s about doing less, but with intention. The holidays will come and go, but the habits you create now can help you feel more present, less reactive, and more connected to the people and values that matter most. If you’re struggling with holiday stress, relationship strain, or simply want to feel steadier moving into this season, therapy can be a supportive place to build these tools. Reach out to me, or a trusted therapist in your area for that extra support.

Why Therapy Alone Won’t Fix Your Relationship: The Power of Doing the Work Outside of Sessions

Couples therapy is a powerful tool for healing relationships, especially after betrayal. But I need to be honest — therapy alone won’t fix your marriage. Research by Dr. John Gottman, one of the world’s leading marriage experts, shows that couples who consistently apply what they learn in therapy outside of sessions have a significantly higher success rate than those who simply show up for weekly appointments. Gottman’s studies reveal that couples who actively work on their relationship outside of therapy have an 86% success rate, compared to those who just attend sessions (hoping that they’ll absorb and retain the information) without implementing changes, who see significantly lower long-term improvement.

So, why does doing the work matter so much? Therapy provides guidance, but real change happens in daily interactions—how you handle conflict, how you reconnect after arguments, and how you build trust over time. Couples who engage in structured therapy homework—such as internal check-ins, soft start-ups, and intentionally showing up for the marriage through making deposits into the invisible, emotional, marital bank account—see higher levels of relationship satisfaction, increased trust, and reduced conflict. These couples stop the old cycles and patterns and lean into new ones. Without these habits, couples often find themselves stuck in the same destructive cycles, expecting therapy alone to create miracles.

Ignoring therapy assignments is like hiring a personal trainer but never working out between sessions. I can promise you won’t see the best results. Gottman’s research highlights that couples who avoid applying therapy principles outside of the therapist’s office are more likely to drop out of therapy early and fall back into old, harmful communication patterns. It’s not enough to just talk about the relationship in a controlled environment—you have to live the change, every single day. And if you ask couples who have done the work, they’ll tell you, "It’s worth It".

If you’re in therapy but still struggling, ask yourself: Are we actually doing the work? Are we practicing what we learn? The good news is that small daily efforts can create massive long-term improvements. If you’re ready to stop repeating the same arguments and start making real progress, I can help. Reach out to me for powerful therapy exercises that will transform your relationship. Don’t just show up — do the work and see the difference.

Title: 15 Little-Known Facts About Your Therapist That Will Change the Way You Approach Marriage Therapy

Are you gearing up to meet with a marriage therapist for the first time? While it might feel a bit daunting, understanding a few key facts about your therapist could totally change the way you approach therapy—and the experience itself. Here are 10 little-known truths about marriage therapists that every couple should know before diving into therapy.

1. They’re Not Just Listening, They’re Strategizing

Your therapist is more than just a sounding board. They’re actively listening and formulating strategies to help you reconnect, rebuild trust, and work through challenges. They aren’t passive; they’re your guide to a healthier marriage.

2. They’ve Heard it All

Feel embarrassed about bringing up your most sensitive issues? Don’t! Therapists have heard it all, from everyday squabbles to major trust breaches. There’s nothing too embarrassing to talk about in therapy. They’ve seen it and worked through it all before.

3. They’re Not Your Referee (But we think it's funny that you think so)

It might seem like a therapist should step in when things get heated, but marriage therapy isn’t about taking sides. Therapists are there to guide the conversation, help you understand each other, and work toward solutions—not to pick winners and losers.

4. They Don’t Judge You (Really!)

One of the most common fears people have when starting therapy is that their therapist will judge them for their actions, emotions, or relationship history. The truth? Therapists don’t judge; they’re trained to be impartial and empathetic so they can help you improve, not criticize you.

5. They Believe in the Power of Small Changes

Therapists often emphasize that little changes can lead to big results. You don’t have to reinvent your relationship overnight. Baby steps toward healthier communication, trust, and intimacy can work wonders.

6. They Want You to Succeed (They really do!)

It’s in their best interest for you to succeed. Marriage therapists are passionate about helping couples overcome their struggles and build lasting, fulfilling relationships. Your success means they’ve done their job well.

7. They Don’t Have All the Answers (And That’s Okay)

Therapists aren’t mind readers or miracle workers. They’re there to guide the process, but they won’t always have every answer immediately. Marriage therapy is a journey, and your therapist is there to help you discover what works for you and your partner.

8. They Work With Both Partners (Not Just One)

One of the biggest misconceptions is that only one partner needs therapy. While individual therapy is valuable, marriage therapists specialize in working with both partners simultaneously to facilitate communication, collaboration, and mutual growth.

9. They’re Not Just There for Big Issues

Yes, therapists are great for working through major life events like infidelity or parenting struggles. But they can also be super helpful when you’re facing smaller, everyday relationship challenges. Regular therapy check-ins can keep your marriage strong before things escalate.

10. They Never Stop Learning (That's why you're paying the big bucks)

Marriage therapists are committed to continuous education, regularly attending workshops and seminars to stay updated on the latest therapeutic techniques and research. This dedication ensures they provide the most effective strategies for your relationship.

11. Their Job Is Incredibly Stressful (dare ya to try it for a day and not be wiped out)

Managing multiple clients daily, often dealing with complex and emotionally charged issues, can be mentally and emotionally taxing. Despite this, they remain dedicated to supporting you through your challenges.

12. While You Speak, They’re Solving a Mental Puzzle (and managing their own emotions)

As you share your experiences, therapists are actively processing information, identifying patterns, and formulating strategies to help you navigate your relationship challenges.

13. They’re Trained to Listen Intently (Listen, look, feel your energy. It's a lot to sort out!)

Active listening is a cornerstone of therapy. Therapists are trained to pick up on subtle cues, underlying emotions, and unspoken concerns to fully understand your perspective.

14. They Remember All the Dynamics at Play. (They may not remeber a name but they'll remember all the details of your story!)

Therapists juggle numerous details about each client’s life, including family dynamics, personal histories, and individual personalities, all while maintaining a calm and composed demeanor.

15. They Maintain Strict Confidentiality (That's why they ignore you at the grocery store)

Your privacy is paramount. Therapists adhere to strict ethical guidelines, ensuring that everything discussed in therapy remains confidential, fostering a safe space for open communication.

To sum up:

Your therapist is human too. Working hard to understand you and help guild you towards a better, happier and healthier life and relationship. Their greatest success is when you leave their office and recommend them to a friend or loved one.

Why People Really Go to Therapy: 10 Reasons You Didn’t See Coming (and 10 You Totally Did)

When most people think about why someone goes to therapy, the usual suspects come to mind: anxiety, depression, grief. And sure, those are common reasons, but they’re far from the whole story. Therapy isn’t just for life’s “rock bottom” moments—it’s also for the quiet struggles, the weird patterns, and the “Why does this keep happening?” moments. Let’s break it down.

The 10 Obvious Reasons People Go to Therapy:

1. Anxiety or stress
2. Depression or low mood
3. Grief and loss
4. Trauma and PTSD
5. Major life transitions (like divorce, job loss, or moving)
6. Relationship issues (Pre-Marital, Affair Repair, Divorce couseling)
7. Low self-esteem or confidence
8. Addiction or unhealthy coping habits
9. Parenting challenges
10. Mental health diagnoses (like OCD, bipolar disorder, etc.)

The 10 Not-So-Obvious Reasons People Go to Therapy (That Totally Make Sense):

For Couples:

1. The “Who Loads the Dishwasher Right?” Fight: It’s never just about the dishwasher. Therapy helps couples stop arguing about the small stuff and start hearing each other’s deeper needs.
2. Because the Kids Left, and Now It’s… Quiet. The empty nest can feel less like freedom and more like, Do we even like each other anymore? Therapy helps couples reconnect after the parenting chapter closes.
3. To Stop Feeling Like Roommates with Joint Custody of the Couch: When life gets busy, romance can flatline. Therapy helps couples move from “co-managers of chaos” back to “partners in love.”
4. To Argue Like Adults (Not Exhausted Teenagers): Conflict is normal—therapy teaches couples how to fight fair, without turning it into a full-blown Cold War.
5. Because One of You Talks Too Much, and the Other Shuts Down: Therapy helps bridge the gap between “Can we please talk about it?” and “Do we have to?”

For Individuals:

6. To Stop Saying “Yes” When You Mean “I’d Rather Swallow a Cactus”: People-pleasing is exhausting. Therapy helps you find your boundaries—and stick to them.
7. Because You’re Crying at Dog Food Commercials (and You Don’t Even Have a Dog): Random emotions are usually about more than just a sad soundtrack. Therapy helps you figure out what’s really going on.
8. To Break the Cycle of “Why Do I Keep Doing This?!” Whether it’s dating the same type of person or procrastinating again, therapy helps you break old patterns.
9. Because “Work-Life Balance” Feels Like a Joke: Therapy helps you stop feeling like you’re failing at everything and start finding peace in the chaos.
10. To Have One Space That’s Just Yours: No advice, no judgment—just someone listening while you untangle the mental spaghetti. The Bottom Line: Therapy isn’t just for crisis mode. It’s for the moments when life feels off, when patterns don’t make sense, and when you’re tired of pretending everything’s fine.

Wondering if therapy might help you - Let’s talk. Schedule your first session today and see how clarity can change everything.

10 Little-Known Facts About Marriage Therapy That Can Help You Feel More Prepared

If you and your partner are considering marriage therapy or couples counseling, you might have questions about what to expect. Many couples enter therapy with a mix of hope, skepticism, and curiosity. The good news? Marriage counseling can be a powerful tool for rebuilding trust, improving communication, and strengthening your relationship.

To help you feel more prepared, I'm sharing 10 little-known facts about marriage therapy that can set realistic expectations and help you make the most of your sessions.

1. Marriage Therapy Isn’t Just for Couples in Crisis A common misconception is that couples counseling is only for relationships on the brink of divorce. In reality, many couples seek therapy to strengthen their bond, improve poor communication patterns, or navigate life transitions—like becoming parents or moving to a new city. Seeking therapy early can prevent small issues from turning into bigger problems.

2. A Marriage Therapist Doesn’t Take Sides

It’s natural to wonder if a therapist will “pick a side” in conflicts. However, a professional relationship counselor remains neutral. Their job is to understand both perspectives and help you work together toward a solution. Therapy is about teamwork, not assigning blame.

3. You’ll Work on Changing Patterns, Not Just Fixing Problems

Many couples expect therapy to be about solving a single issue—like constant arguments or trust issues. But therapy dives deeper, identifying relationship patterns that contribute to recurring problems. I often tell couples, "the problem is not what you think it's about, the problem is the pattern." By recognizing these patterns, couples can make lasting changes rather than just putting a Band-Aid on the issue.

4. Confidentiality Creates a Safe Space for Growth

Everything you share in marriage counseling is confidential, creating a safe environment where both partners can be open and honest. I'm often ignoring clients that I see in public for this reason. Therapists are legally and ethically bound to protect your privacy, except in rare cases where safety is at risk. Knowing that your conversations stay within the therapy room helps build trust and encourages deeper discussions.

5. You Might Feel Uncomfortable at First—And That’s Normal

Opening up about personal struggles in front of a therapist can feel awkward in the beginning. But a willingness to be uncomfortable often signals growth and a true opportunity for repair. As you become more familiar with your therapist, sessions will feel like a safe space where you and your partner can work through tough conversations with support and guidance.

6. Therapy Works Best When You Practice Outside of Sessions

The real transformation happens between sessions. Your therapist will provide exercises, communication techniques, or even “homework” to help you apply what you’ve learned in real-life situations. Practiceing the skills you're taught will strengthens your relationship quickly and build a good foundation for saftey. I tell clients to practice these skills a lot in the beginning and when things are going well. Build the new habits now. It's much harder to reach for a new skill when things are elevated in the relationship.

7. Marriage Therapy Isn’t About “Winning” Arguments

Many couples enter therapy hoping a therapist will validate their perspective. But the goal isn’t to “win”— it’s to understand each other better. Therapy helps couples break out of the blame cycle and find ways to reconnect rather than compete.

8. Your Therapist Can Hold Hope for Your Relationship When You Can’t

There will be days when your relationship feels too difficult to fix—where one or both of you may feel exhausted, hopeless, or unsure of the future. On those days, your therapist can hold hope for your relationship until you’re ready to believe in it again. Part of their role is to remind you of the progress you’ve made, help you see the possibility of healing, and guide you through the roughest moments.

9. Therapy Can Be Short-Term or Long-Term, Depending on Your Needs

Some couples see improvements in just a few sessions, while others benefit from ongoing therapy. The length of marriage counseling depends on your goals, the complexity of issues, and how much effort both partners put in. A therapist can help you decide what’s best for your relationship but a commitment to the work will bring results more quickly.

10. Choosing the Right Therapist Matters

Not all therapists specialize in relationship counseling. Finding a therapist with expertise in marriage therapy is key to getting the best results. You wouldn't go to a General Doctor for a heart problem and it's the same in the therapy world. Look for someone with the qualifications you need. In Orlando, working with a therapist who understands your specific challenges can make all the difference in your experience.

What to Know Before Marriage Therapy: Final Thoughts

Starting couples counseling is a brave step toward a healthier, stronger relationship. By understanding these little-known facts, you’ll feel more prepared and confident as you begin the process.

If you’re in Orlando, Florida and ready to improve your relationship, schedule your first appointment today with a licensed marriage therapist who specializes in affair recovery, communication skills, and helping couples rebuild trust. 📍 Serving Couples in Orlando and throughout the state of Florida.

Looking for relationship counseling in Orlando, Florida? I specialize in helping couples navigate challenges, improve communication, and rebuild trust. Schedule your first appointment today!

🔗 Book A Session Here.