Surviving an Affair: The Wounding Party Needs to Become a Marriage Rebuilder

The roller coaster after the affair is hard but not impossible

The pain felt by the wounded party after the revelation of an affair is immense.  They feel blindsided. Their world has been turned upside down. Everything they thought to be true in their marriage is now in question. They hear everything through a filter of “possible lie” and betrayal.  Even truths that they have known in the marriage for years are now taken into question. I’ve heard clients say, the person they love most in the world has “stabbed them in the back.” Unfortunately, all too often the wounding party underestimates the damage and pain inflicted on their spouse and the marriage.

In the immediate days and weeks following the disclosure or discovery of an infidelity, the wounding party can feel numb, avoidant, shame-filled or remorse. None of these emotions create the same emotional roller coaster that the wounded party feels. However, each party gets caught in the emotional dilemma of wanting connection and not wanting connection with each other. Clearly, this is a tough time and the marriage becomes very fragile.

These first days and weeks are critical to the survival of the marriage. If the wounding party immediately takes the right steps, the repair work can begin. If the person who stepped out of the relationship can now see their role as the *“marriage rebuilder” they can weather the roller coaster ahead.

Seven “DO” steps the wounding party can take immediately, to help start repairing the marriage:

1.     Come clean. Truth. Truth. Truth. Full truth.

2.     Let your spouse express their pain as often as they need.

3.     Answer the same question 100 times.

4.     Take it on the chin.

5.     Acknowledge your actions as being incredibly painful and wrong.

6.     Apologize often. Then, apologize more.

7.     Break ALL ties with the affair partner.

8.     Hold space for your loved one’s pain. 

(Read next BLOG post on Why You’re Listening Wrong in Your Marriage)

If you are the wounding spouse and you want to save your marriage, you must take your role as “the healer” immediately.  For more information about creating repair after an infidelity and becoming a successful Marriage Rebuilder read: * How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Guild for the Unfaithful By Linda MacDonald. 

Book: How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair

4th of July Fireworks – No Party for Veterans with PTSD

The country is about to celebrate it’s birthday, the 4th of July and while many people are happily planning outdoor gatherings and evening barbeques topped off with a healthy dose of colorful fireworks that sparkle and sizzle, crackle and BOOM, the men and women who have served this country with great love and commitment may be dreading this evening as a living nightmare.

For Veterans suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), the 4th of July fireworks can trigger the emotional and physical responses commonly seen in PTSD.

This includes:

·      Exaggerated anxiety

·      Negative changes in behaviors and thoughts

·      Panic attacks

·      Heightened startle response

·      Flashbacks of traumatic events including nightmares.

·      Avoidance

The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs reports that the number of Veterans with PTSD varies by service era. However, somewhere between 11% -30% of Veterans have PTSD in a given year. While exposure to trauma doesn’t mean you will get PTSD it does put you at higher risk. Clearly combat Veterans have higher exposure to witnessing traumatic events and are subsequently at a higher risk for developing PTSD.

Make sure you hug the people you love and whole-heartedly thank those who have served this country. For some we will never know the price they continue to pay. 

Many Veterans and others who experience PTSD may anticipate and prepare for the 4th of July by taking distance from the noise or using headphones to muffle the sounds. They may stay indoors and opt out of large gatherings.

As family members we can support the people we love by also being sensitive to these triggers.  Some Veterans may experience shame around this disorder and may not take the precautions they need.  Keep in mind, it’s been reported by Veterans that another big problem is the smaller random fireworks used in the days leading up to and after the 4th of July. The sudden unexpected explosions can re-trigger memories of life-threatening moments. 

For couples, families and individuals seeking support and relief from PTSD, contact a licensed therapist who specializes in trauma and has been trained in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).  

For further information on EMDR:

http://nrepp.samhsa.gov/ViewIntervention.aspx?id=199

http://www.emdr.com/general-information/what-is-emdr/what-is-emdr.html

Happiness = Goals With A Soul

Recently, I worked with a couple that was on the verge of divorce. They were so sad because they truly loved each other but had grown up and away from one another. They weren’t feeling how they wanted to be feeling in their marriage. They were no longer willing to be unhappy. They’re individual goals, that they had set in their early years had changed. They had changed. They didn’t think the other person understood them. Quite honestly, at that point, each of them didn’t have a clear understanding of themselves. So, we took a few weeks and as their clarity emerged, divorce came off the table and their love for each other re-kindled. They saw themselves in a new light, re-established their goals and accepted that working towards happiness was not the same as working towards not being unhappy. They aligned with happiness.

What if we have it all wrong; setting our goals early, making our to-do list in the hopes that one day, when we accomplish these things, we’ll feel a particular way.

Instead, what if we sat down and really thought about how we truly, deeply want to feel in the different areas of our life. Then, we established our goals and our to-dos around the feelings we want to have, every day.

Danielle Laporte says that in life, we're not really chasing the goal itself – instead we're chasing the feeling that we hope to obtain when we complete those goals.  She says "when we make feeling good a priority, everything changes…" and when we get real about the feelings we truly crave, we might surprise ourselves, with some new choices. We might let go of goals and relationships that no longer serve us and hold tightly onto others.

So ask yourself, how do you truly, deeply desire to feel in these areas of your life; your marriage/relationships, creativity/learning, spiritually, physically, financially and emotionally?

You may experience some resistance as you're trying to get some clear adjectives to define how you truly want to feel. You may feel a little vulnerable. Take some time with this practice. This may feel foreign because who’s ever asked you this before? Sit in a peace-filled place as you explore as many adjectives and positive feelings as you can.

Once you’ve established how you want to feel, narrow the words down to 3-4 main words in each category. Now as you revisit each area of your life ask yourself if your goals are aligned with getting you the feeling you want to have every single day. If so, yay! You are truly getting a glimpse of your happiness every day. If not, what needs to go, stay, change so you are experiencing how you want to feel, every day?

Like my couple from a few months ago, your life could change for the better as you align with happiness.

For a cheat sheet of words go to the last pages of this PDF: http://www.daniellelaporte.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/TheDesireMap_SampleChapter_TheMagneticsOfFeelings_SinglePages.pdf

Secure Attachment = Happier Relationships.

Secure attachment, answers these questions in the affirmative; “Do I matter to you? Will you be there for me if I fall? Will you hold my hand if I'm sick?" According to Dr. Sue Johnson, secure attachment is a natural element in healthy relationships. 

Think of happy children. They have secure attachment to their parent(s).

However, without secure attachment in our intimate relationships, the alarm system in our brain  continuously goes off, causing us to feel “in danger.” This alarm signals the rest of the body to be on high alert, to fight or flight. Our response to this internal warning may be to become demanding and clingy or withdrawn and detached from our significant relationships. However, at the core we're yelling, "I need you, please be with me" or  "I’m going to protect myself and I won’t let you hurt me."

Lack of “secure attachment” can be the cause of many presenting issues that walk through my therapy practice doors. It drive people to marriage & relationship counseling and individual therapy. But,  it’s often disguised as something else: anxiety, worry, fighting or depression.

Often when couples and individuals come to therapy, they ignore their normal human need to be emotionally close, as this might somehow define them as co-dependent, needy or weak. Instead they focus on the actions or re-actions that present from their insecure attachments ie. anger, fighting, bad communication, anxiety or depression.

Once we understand the importance of our attachments, we can begin to make significant changes in our life and relationships.