Not Feeling the Love? How to Navigate Valentine’s Day When It Feels Hard

Valentine’s Day can be a tough one. While the world seems to be covered in roses and heart-shaped everything, you might be feeling something completely different—grief from a past loss, loneliness in the absence of a romantic relationship, or sadness over a love that didn’t last. If this holiday makes you want to crawl under a blanket until February 15th, you’re not alone. Instead of forcing yourself to “just get through it,” what if you approached Valentine’s Day in a way that actually nourishes you?

8 Self-Care Strategies for a Tough Valentine’s Day

If this holiday stirs up sadness, anger, frustration, or longing, here are a few ways to care for yourself:

1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel

Ignoring your emotions only makes them louder. Instead, acknowledge what’s coming up for you. Maybe it’s grief, irritability, or disappointment. Maybe you’re getting a headache or feel anxious—whatever it is, it’s valid. Writing, talking with a trusted friend, or even journaling a letter (that you never send) can help process emotions instead of letting them fester.

2. Plan a Feel-Good Escape

Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be about romance—it can be about whatever you need. Book a selfcare day. Schedule a foot massage, take a nature walk, or get lost in a new book. Plan ahead so the day feels intentional rather than something you’re trying to survive.

3. Avoid the Social Media Trap

It’s easy to feel like everyone else has the perfect relationship when your feed is full of curated candlelit dinners and grand gestures. Remember, social media is a highlight reel, not real life. If scrolling leaves you feeling worse, take a break from it for the day.

4. Shower Yourself with Kindness

Who says you can’t? If you’d buy a gift for a partner, why not do the same for yourself? Treat yourself to something small but meaningful—your favorite coffee or flowers, or a cozy new blanket or that golf club you’ve been eyeing. It’s a way of reinforcing that you are worthy of love, no matter your relationship status.

5. Connect with People Who Get It

Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be spent alone if you’re open to it. Plan a friend’s night, attend an event, or even go to a yoga class. Anywhere that brings connection. Sometimes, shifting focus away from what we’re missing can create moments of unexpected joy. Opening Your Heart to a Different Kind of Celebration Even if Valentine’s Day isn’t your favorite, it doesn’t have to be a day of dread. Here are some alternative ways to celebrate love—without the pressure of romance:

6. Make It About Self-Love

Reframe it as a day for self-appreciation. Write yourself a letter of appreciation, list things you’re proud of, or start a new self-care ritual that makes you feel good in your own skin.

7. Celebrate Friendship & Connection

Love isn’t just romantic—it’s found in friendships, family, and community. Send a thoughtful message to a friend, grab dinner with someone who also dreads the holiday, or write a gratitude list of the people who have made a difference in your life.

8. Give Love to Someone Who Needs It

One of the most powerful ways to shift our emotions is to give. Buy a coffee for the person behind you in the coffee line, send a kind note to someone going through a hard time, or make a small donation to a cause you care about. Anonymous love is expansive and opening your heart to others can make the day feel meaningful in a different way.

Final Thoughts:

You’re Not Alone in This If Valentine’s Day is hard for you, you don’t have to pretend otherwise. Whether you choose to care for yourself quietly or celebrate love in an unconventional way, know this: You are worthy of love, exactly as you are.

Remember, you're really not alone so let’s support each other. 💛

5 Common Reasons Why Couples Go to Therapy: How an Expert Therapist Can Help

Each couple that walks into a therapy office is different. Their stories of how they met and fell in love are captivating and warming. Couple's "engagement story" always makes them smile and when they talk about the details of their wedding day, the whole tempo of the room can shift to a happy, joyous rhythm. But, don't be fooled, by the time a couple makes their first call to a marriage counselor's office they are far from this rhythm and by the time they sit down on a therapist's couch, they ALL have one thing in common; pain.

Couples rarely seek counseling until they are in fear of permanently losing their primary love connection. They wake up one morning (usually it's the middle of the night) and they realize that if things don't change, they may lose the person they once loved so dearly. They feel they've tried everything, except... reach for expert help.

Once the phone call has been made to a marriage therapist and an appointment is on their calendar, couples often breathe easier. For the moment, the pressure is off. Someone else is now in charge of "fixing it."

If this sounds like you, but you're not sure if this is the right avenue for your marriage, read on. You deserve to breathe easier too.

Here are 5 common reasons that couples seek expert counseling:

1. Difference of Values

Individual values can change throughout a lifetime and couples may not always start like-minded. Early in a relationship, couples often look past their differences. But, as time moves on, what was once a tolerable difference can now become a rub.

For example, you may value alone time while your spouse values and draws energy from time with friends; you may have spiritual differences that have become more expansive now that you have a baby or you may have changed your position on a core value that as a couple you shared, leading to turbulence in your relationship. Therapy can help you understand and respect each other on a deeper level, making living with the difference acceptable (instead of merely trying to change each other’s view.)

2. Communication

Couples can experience feelings of isolation and alienation due to a lack of connected communication. It's awful to feel alone while you're sitting next to the person you married.

In a new relationship, texting is flirty and fun. But, as time passes, you need to develop ways to effectively communicate from beyond a screen. Couples who experience communication difficulties have a tendency to dodge hard topics and minimize each other’s feelings, which can deteriorate a relationship. With the help of an expert therapist, couples who struggle with safe, connected communication can learn how to navigate conversations without hurting each other’s feelings (while gaining deeper insight into your lover's needs.) Yay! That's what we all want.

3. Money

Spending habits are a deeply held personal value, often tied to core emotional and psychological needs. We're often not aware of how we truly feel about money until we're in a relationship, and now we're dividing dinner bills and travel expenses (and mortgage down payments and Peleton memberships).

Couples can have differences when it comes to their money values based on how they were raised, how money was spoken about in their family of origin, their earning potential or past money traumas. Even if a couple's in basic agreement about their financial values, they can still have differences in opinion; like what to spend and what to save. Financial disagreements can cause tension and stress in a relationship. An expert therapist can help a couple safely unpack their money differences and then, reconnect with a higher level of understanding and empathy. They can also teach the couple how to spot money triggers and stay calm and connected while discussing how money can make them feel safe or unsafe.

4. Jealousy

Jealous feelings are often directly attached to relational wounds, both rational and irrational. Jealous behavior can come from a place of suspicion and insecurity. The behavior itself can often threaten to destroy a relationship.

Jealously is often comingled with feelings of inadequacy or inferiority—a byproduct of fear or triggered by old or recent traumas. Whether a partner obsessively checks the other’s computer and phone records, or they fear that a business trip is really a cover to continue an affair, jealousy can quickly dismantle a relationship by making well-meaning people act in ways that they never imagined. Working with an expert therapist can help couples understand why jealousy is driving unhealthy actions. It can help the couple decrease the chance of escalation (and disconnection which leads to more jealousy), help the couple to understand and put in place safe boundaries around their relationship and enable the couple to rebuild a solid foundation of trust.

5. Infidelity

Once infidelity is discovered or revealed, intense pain and a roller coaster of exaggerated emotions are the norms. Trust gets shattered and love goes into hiding.

Infidelity causes major trauma in a love relationship. Obsessiveness, depression, anxiety, and a profound sense of loss often follow. Heightened emotions can cause more damage to an already wounded love. Despite the powerful emotions after the disclosure or discovery of infidelity, marriage therapy with an expert marriage therapist can help couples understand and manage these feelings quickly and also learn what to expect in the hours, days and weeks to come. It's tough territory to navigate alone, for a love relationship. An expert marriage counselor will also provide tools for you to reestablish safety in your marriage, spot emotional triggers, communicate in a safe way and eventually reestablish the foundation of trust and respect needed to move forward in the marriage. When both partners commit to healing the relationship, statistics show that through expert counseling the vast majority of relationships can successfully move forward.

Jennifer Sigman, MS, LMFT is an expert in marriage and relationship counseling. Throughout her 29 years as a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, she has successfully guided countless couples through challenging times in their relationship. Jennifer also has expertise in the area of trauma and trauma recovery.

5 Languages of Love. Learn a New Language in 3 Minutes.

5 Languages of Love.

How to Become an Expert in 3 Minutes.

It’s that time of the year when love is celebrated and honored. It’s almost Valentine’s Day and the opportunity to express love is welcomed and embraced. Little prompts are all around us from cards to flowers to boxes of chocolates. 

What’s you’re go-to on Valentine’s Day to let your special person know you adore them? What types of things would really feel good to you on Valentine’s Day? A special dinner out or a handwritten note? Would it mean the world to you if your guy would take the evening and do some chores with you around the house, or maybe purchase a couple’s massage?  

One of my go-to assignments, for my couples on Valentine’s Day, is the 5 Love Languages quiz by Gary Chapman. Gary says we like to give and receive love in certain ways. He breaks these ways down into 5 LOVE categories. 

1. Words of affirmation

2. Quality time

3. Gifts 

4. Physical touch

5. Acts of service

Often, people assume that men fall into certain categories and women into other categories. But, through working with thousands of people in couple’s therapy, I’ve found this isn’t true. 

Once you know your top love language and you know your partner’s, it makes things much easier. You don’t spend as much time guessing at what would make them happy. You just focus on one of their top 2 love categories and suddenly you become an expert lover!

To learn your top Love Language, go to www.5lovelanguges.com and take the quiz. It takes 3 minutes and it’s fun to share the results with your love. 

Our love languages can change over time. So, I encourage my couples to retake the quiz every Valentine's Day. It’s a fun way to reconnect and remind ourselves how our love interest wants us to show up! Whether it’s a gift or a compliment, once we know we can always get it right.  

Make a date with your love on Valentine’s Day and take the quiz. 

Psssssssst: Valentines’s Day is more than an opportunity to express just romantic love. It’s a great opportunity to reach out to all the people we love and care about. Our kids, parents, best friends and our sweet pets. Tell them I LOVE YOU! BTW, your kids also have a love language that may not match yours, so while you're at it, take that quiz too! 

Why You’re Listening All Wrong in Your Marriage

Life gets busy. Pause. Breath deeply. Try again.

The longer you're married, the more likely you'll hear the phrase “You never listen.” Hearing is one of our primary senses, though we don’t pay much attention to it. Like sight and taste, we take it for granted until it’s interfered with… through a cold, a bad cell phone connection or deafness. Partly, we don't think of listening as a skill. Like eyesight or tasting, we don't know we can improve it. We just assume that we're always hearing/listening and doing a fine job.

I once read that the beginning of a new love relationship is like being intimate with a “Big Ear.” Your new relationship partner hangs on to every syllable and listens to every word you say. They are totally "tuned in" - and this is a turn on! This leaves you feeling good. Cared for. It’s in these moments of the relationship that we feel most connected, most heard and ironically most “seen”. If the relationship progresses, we feel accepted.

Perhaps we consider marriage the ultimate sign of acceptance. If someone agrees to merge their life with ours, despite our sometimes unsavory stories of a character flaw or a life dramatically lived, we can put down the Big Ear and get on with the mundane tasks of day to day living. We float back to listening as we always have... only tuning in to hear, when the station is of interest.

Our marriage partner often does the same thing. Now, they listen with half the effort of the Big Ear. This pattern can lead to marriages that get into the poor communication rut. Maybe it looks like this:

• Everyone is talking and no one is listening.

• Your partner is talking and you're interrupting.

• Your partner is talking and you’re thinking of “the right answer”.

• You’re scared to ask questions because you don’t know what to do with the answers.

• You take their words so personally, it’s hard to listen.

• Your marriage partner is talking and you’re not tuned in at all.

We make mistakes and that’s okay because we’re all human. However, if you practice these Don’ts and Dos you’ll ultimately build your skillset and find connection in your marriage again.

DON’T:

1. Focus on your answer.

2. Fidget.

3. Try to shut down the conversation quickly.

4. Personalize what your loved one is saying and become defensive.

5. Hold your breath.

6. Stare so hard you’re not blinking.

7. Rush to fill the silence.

The good news is to be a good listener, you don’t have to know the answer or come up with an immediate solution. Most connection happens when you’re being the “Big Ear”.

DO:

1. Slow and relax your body movements.

2. Express curiosity “How was that ____ for you?”

3. Offer words of understanding. “That makes sense…” or “I understand you could feel that way.”

4. Take thoughtful breaths.

5. Pause and allow 2 seconds of silence before you fill the space with words.

6. When it’s particularly uncomfortable, remind yourself that you are loved by this person.

What matters, is that both people in the marriage want to feel connected. They know they felt appreciated and accepted at some point in time and they’re willing to hang in there to get back to those old feelings. Listening is different than hearing. Enter these moments with the intention to hear. Get tuned in, turned on and watch your marriage connection grow.

CLICK HERE... for a good example of right listening.

Surviving an Affair: The Wounding Party Needs to Become a Marriage Rebuilder

The roller coaster after the affair is hard but not impossible

The pain felt by the wounded party after the revelation of an affair is immense.  They feel blindsided. Their world has been turned upside down. Everything they thought to be true in their marriage is now in question. They hear everything through a filter of “possible lie” and betrayal.  Even truths that they have known in the marriage for years are now taken into question. I’ve heard clients say, the person they love most in the world has “stabbed them in the back.” Unfortunately, all too often the wounding party underestimates the damage and pain inflicted on their spouse and the marriage.

In the immediate days and weeks following the disclosure or discovery of an infidelity, the wounding party can feel numb, avoidant, shame-filled or remorse. None of these emotions create the same emotional roller coaster that the wounded party feels. However, each party gets caught in the emotional dilemma of wanting connection and not wanting connection with each other. Clearly, this is a tough time and the marriage becomes very fragile.

These first days and weeks are critical to the survival of the marriage. If the wounding party immediately takes the right steps, the repair work can begin. If the person who stepped out of the relationship can now see their role as the *“marriage rebuilder” they can weather the roller coaster ahead.

Seven “DO” steps the wounding party can take immediately, to help start repairing the marriage:

1.     Come clean. Truth. Truth. Truth. Full truth.

2.     Let your spouse express their pain as often as they need.

3.     Answer the same question 100 times.

4.     Take it on the chin.

5.     Acknowledge your actions as being incredibly painful and wrong.

6.     Apologize often. Then, apologize more.

7.     Break ALL ties with the affair partner.

8.     Hold space for your loved one’s pain. 

(Read next BLOG post on Why You’re Listening Wrong in Your Marriage)

If you are the wounding spouse and you want to save your marriage, you must take your role as “the healer” immediately.  For more information about creating repair after an infidelity and becoming a successful Marriage Rebuilder read: * How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Guild for the Unfaithful By Linda MacDonald. 

Book: How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair

5 Steps to a Joyous Thanksgiving Day

Every Thanksgiving I get excited. I love this time of the year. The coolness in the air, the crisp smells of fall. My best friend often calls me around this time of year and says she remembers how much I love the cool air mixed with the sunshine. She reminds me that since we were kids, it’s made me happy.

I feel like Thanksgiving is one of the only times in the year that things truly slow down and the country takes a break. I’ve always loved the quietness around me when the country takes a break. I remember in college loving the quiet Sunday mornings in my college town. I felt like the world was moving slowly on Sunday morning, being mindful, showing gratitude. The streets were quiet. I could get a coffee and only a few people were around. I could breathe better. Deeper. I could walk to the library and slowly walk up the grand stairs to the stacks where I could hear the echo of the distinguished rooms and feel deep gratitude for all the books surrounding me, the beauty of the architecture and I could truly thank myself for all the hard work I was doing at University. On Sunday mornings I felt the vibration around me was one of compassion and kindness.

That’s why I love Thanksgiving. The streets are quiet and the few people I see are in the spirit of connection. A smile. A “Good Morning”. I love the idea of giving thanks, of having gratitude. The thought that everyone around me is also in a space of gratitude warms my soul and makes me happy. It’s like we are of like minds, for a few hours.

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect and give thanks outwardly as well as inwardly. Thanks to myself for showing up, every day, and giving what I had that day.

Here are 5 easy steps that you can incorporate into your Thanksgiving day to get the most joy out of this holiday:

1. Get up early and do a TurkeyTrott 5k or 10k, a meditation, a yoga class or a mindful walk. Have a mind of gratitude for the small things you see around you, the colors, the smells, the sounds around you.

2. Smile. The colors will get brighter and I promise you'll feel it in your heart center.

3. Say ‘Yes.” “Yes” to arriving early. “Yes” to wholeheartedly asking people about themselves. “Yes” to being thoughtful about all your blessings.

4. Eat with joy and modesty. Recognize the abundance we have. Listen to your body and feed it gently.

5. Take time to thank yourself. You've done a lot this year, these 12 months. Truly spend 5-30 minutes in self-gratitude. Consider the many things you've done. The small things you've done are so important. Look at your calendar if you need a reminder - I know I often do.

This week give wholehearted thanks. We have blessings all around us. Even when things are tough. Step off the Hamster wheel and connect today - with yourself and the earth. You won’t regret it!

4th of July Fireworks – No Party for Veterans with PTSD

The country is about to celebrate it’s birthday, the 4th of July and while many people are happily planning outdoor gatherings and evening barbeques topped off with a healthy dose of colorful fireworks that sparkle and sizzle, crackle and BOOM, the men and women who have served this country with great love and commitment may be dreading this evening as a living nightmare.

For Veterans suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), the 4th of July fireworks can trigger the emotional and physical responses commonly seen in PTSD.

This includes:

·      Exaggerated anxiety

·      Negative changes in behaviors and thoughts

·      Panic attacks

·      Heightened startle response

·      Flashbacks of traumatic events including nightmares.

·      Avoidance

The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs reports that the number of Veterans with PTSD varies by service era. However, somewhere between 11% -30% of Veterans have PTSD in a given year. While exposure to trauma doesn’t mean you will get PTSD it does put you at higher risk. Clearly combat Veterans have higher exposure to witnessing traumatic events and are subsequently at a higher risk for developing PTSD.

Make sure you hug the people you love and whole-heartedly thank those who have served this country. For some we will never know the price they continue to pay. 

Many Veterans and others who experience PTSD may anticipate and prepare for the 4th of July by taking distance from the noise or using headphones to muffle the sounds. They may stay indoors and opt out of large gatherings.

As family members we can support the people we love by also being sensitive to these triggers.  Some Veterans may experience shame around this disorder and may not take the precautions they need.  Keep in mind, it’s been reported by Veterans that another big problem is the smaller random fireworks used in the days leading up to and after the 4th of July. The sudden unexpected explosions can re-trigger memories of life-threatening moments. 

For couples, families and individuals seeking support and relief from PTSD, contact a licensed therapist who specializes in trauma and has been trained in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).  

For further information on EMDR:

http://nrepp.samhsa.gov/ViewIntervention.aspx?id=199

http://www.emdr.com/general-information/what-is-emdr/what-is-emdr.html

Happiness = Goals With A Soul

Recently, I worked with a couple that was on the verge of divorce. They were so sad because they truly loved each other but had grown up and away from one another. They weren’t feeling how they wanted to be feeling in their marriage. They were no longer willing to be unhappy. They’re individual goals, that they had set in their early years had changed. They had changed. They didn’t think the other person understood them. Quite honestly, at that point, each of them didn’t have a clear understanding of themselves. So, we took a few weeks and as their clarity emerged, divorce came off the table and their love for each other re-kindled. They saw themselves in a new light, re-established their goals and accepted that working towards happiness was not the same as working towards not being unhappy. They aligned with happiness.

What if we have it all wrong; setting our goals early, making our to-do list in the hopes that one day, when we accomplish these things, we’ll feel a particular way.

Instead, what if we sat down and really thought about how we truly, deeply want to feel in the different areas of our life. Then, we established our goals and our to-dos around the feelings we want to have, every day.

Danielle Laporte says that in life, we're not really chasing the goal itself – instead we're chasing the feeling that we hope to obtain when we complete those goals.  She says "when we make feeling good a priority, everything changes…" and when we get real about the feelings we truly crave, we might surprise ourselves, with some new choices. We might let go of goals and relationships that no longer serve us and hold tightly onto others.

So ask yourself, how do you truly, deeply desire to feel in these areas of your life; your marriage/relationships, creativity/learning, spiritually, physically, financially and emotionally?

You may experience some resistance as you're trying to get some clear adjectives to define how you truly want to feel. You may feel a little vulnerable. Take some time with this practice. This may feel foreign because who’s ever asked you this before? Sit in a peace-filled place as you explore as many adjectives and positive feelings as you can.

Once you’ve established how you want to feel, narrow the words down to 3-4 main words in each category. Now as you revisit each area of your life ask yourself if your goals are aligned with getting you the feeling you want to have every single day. If so, yay! You are truly getting a glimpse of your happiness every day. If not, what needs to go, stay, change so you are experiencing how you want to feel, every day?

Like my couple from a few months ago, your life could change for the better as you align with happiness.

For a cheat sheet of words go to the last pages of this PDF: http://www.daniellelaporte.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/TheDesireMap_SampleChapter_TheMagneticsOfFeelings_SinglePages.pdf