Why Therapy Alone Won’t Fix Your Relationship: The Power of Doing the Work Outside of Sessions

Couples therapy is a powerful tool for healing relationships, especially after betrayal. But I need to be honest — therapy alone won’t fix your marriage. Research by Dr. John Gottman, one of the world’s leading marriage experts, shows that couples who consistently apply what they learn in therapy outside of sessions have a significantly higher success rate than those who simply show up for weekly appointments. Gottman’s studies reveal that couples who actively work on their relationship outside of therapy have an 86% success rate, compared to those who just attend sessions (hoping that they’ll absorb and retain the information) without implementing changes, who see significantly lower long-term improvement.

So, why does doing the work matter so much? Therapy provides guidance, but real change happens in daily interactions—how you handle conflict, how you reconnect after arguments, and how you build trust over time. Couples who engage in structured therapy homework—such as internal check-ins, soft start-ups, and intentionally showing up for the marriage through making deposits into the invisible, emotional, marital bank account—see higher levels of relationship satisfaction, increased trust, and reduced conflict. These couples stop the old cycles and patterns and lean into new ones. Without these habits, couples often find themselves stuck in the same destructive cycles, expecting therapy alone to create miracles.

Ignoring therapy assignments is like hiring a personal trainer but never working out between sessions. I can promise you won’t see the best results. Gottman’s research highlights that couples who avoid applying therapy principles outside of the therapist’s office are more likely to drop out of therapy early and fall back into old, harmful communication patterns. It’s not enough to just talk about the relationship in a controlled environment—you have to live the change, every single day. And if you ask couples who have done the work, they’ll tell you, "It’s worth It".

If you’re in therapy but still struggling, ask yourself: Are we actually doing the work? Are we practicing what we learn? The good news is that small daily efforts can create massive long-term improvements. If you’re ready to stop repeating the same arguments and start making real progress, I can help. Reach out to me for powerful therapy exercises that will transform your relationship. Don’t just show up — do the work and see the difference.