Why Therapy Alone Won’t Fix Your Relationship: The Power of Doing the Work Outside of Sessions

Couples therapy is a powerful tool for healing relationships, especially after betrayal. But I need to be honest — therapy alone won’t fix your marriage. Research by Dr. John Gottman, one of the world’s leading marriage experts, shows that couples who consistently apply what they learn in therapy outside of sessions have a significantly higher success rate than those who simply show up for weekly appointments. Gottman’s studies reveal that couples who actively work on their relationship outside of therapy have an 86% success rate, compared to those who just attend sessions (hoping that they’ll absorb and retain the information) without implementing changes, who see significantly lower long-term improvement.

So, why does doing the work matter so much? Therapy provides guidance, but real change happens in daily interactions—how you handle conflict, how you reconnect after arguments, and how you build trust over time. Couples who engage in structured therapy homework—such as internal check-ins, soft start-ups, and intentionally showing up for the marriage through making deposits into the invisible, emotional, marital bank account—see higher levels of relationship satisfaction, increased trust, and reduced conflict. These couples stop the old cycles and patterns and lean into new ones. Without these habits, couples often find themselves stuck in the same destructive cycles, expecting therapy alone to create miracles.

Ignoring therapy assignments is like hiring a personal trainer but never working out between sessions. I can promise you won’t see the best results. Gottman’s research highlights that couples who avoid applying therapy principles outside of the therapist’s office are more likely to drop out of therapy early and fall back into old, harmful communication patterns. It’s not enough to just talk about the relationship in a controlled environment—you have to live the change, every single day. And if you ask couples who have done the work, they’ll tell you, "It’s worth It".

If you’re in therapy but still struggling, ask yourself: Are we actually doing the work? Are we practicing what we learn? The good news is that small daily efforts can create massive long-term improvements. If you’re ready to stop repeating the same arguments and start making real progress, I can help. Reach out to me for powerful therapy exercises that will transform your relationship. Don’t just show up — do the work and see the difference.

Title: 15 Little-Known Facts About Your Therapist That Will Change the Way You Approach Marriage Therapy

Are you gearing up to meet with a marriage therapist for the first time? While it might feel a bit daunting, understanding a few key facts about your therapist could totally change the way you approach therapy—and the experience itself. Here are 10 little-known truths about marriage therapists that every couple should know before diving into therapy.

1. They’re Not Just Listening, They’re Strategizing

Your therapist is more than just a sounding board. They’re actively listening and formulating strategies to help you reconnect, rebuild trust, and work through challenges. They aren’t passive; they’re your guide to a healthier marriage.

2. They’ve Heard it All

Feel embarrassed about bringing up your most sensitive issues? Don’t! Therapists have heard it all, from everyday squabbles to major trust breaches. There’s nothing too embarrassing to talk about in therapy. They’ve seen it and worked through it all before.

3. They’re Not Your Referee (But we think it's funny that you think so)

It might seem like a therapist should step in when things get heated, but marriage therapy isn’t about taking sides. Therapists are there to guide the conversation, help you understand each other, and work toward solutions—not to pick winners and losers.

4. They Don’t Judge You (Really!)

One of the most common fears people have when starting therapy is that their therapist will judge them for their actions, emotions, or relationship history. The truth? Therapists don’t judge; they’re trained to be impartial and empathetic so they can help you improve, not criticize you.

5. They Believe in the Power of Small Changes

Therapists often emphasize that little changes can lead to big results. You don’t have to reinvent your relationship overnight. Baby steps toward healthier communication, trust, and intimacy can work wonders.

6. They Want You to Succeed (They really do!)

It’s in their best interest for you to succeed. Marriage therapists are passionate about helping couples overcome their struggles and build lasting, fulfilling relationships. Your success means they’ve done their job well.

7. They Don’t Have All the Answers (And That’s Okay)

Therapists aren’t mind readers or miracle workers. They’re there to guide the process, but they won’t always have every answer immediately. Marriage therapy is a journey, and your therapist is there to help you discover what works for you and your partner.

8. They Work With Both Partners (Not Just One)

One of the biggest misconceptions is that only one partner needs therapy. While individual therapy is valuable, marriage therapists specialize in working with both partners simultaneously to facilitate communication, collaboration, and mutual growth.

9. They’re Not Just There for Big Issues

Yes, therapists are great for working through major life events like infidelity or parenting struggles. But they can also be super helpful when you’re facing smaller, everyday relationship challenges. Regular therapy check-ins can keep your marriage strong before things escalate.

10. They Never Stop Learning (That's why you're paying the big bucks)

Marriage therapists are committed to continuous education, regularly attending workshops and seminars to stay updated on the latest therapeutic techniques and research. This dedication ensures they provide the most effective strategies for your relationship.

11. Their Job Is Incredibly Stressful (dare ya to try it for a day and not be wiped out)

Managing multiple clients daily, often dealing with complex and emotionally charged issues, can be mentally and emotionally taxing. Despite this, they remain dedicated to supporting you through your challenges.

12. While You Speak, They’re Solving a Mental Puzzle (and managing their own emotions)

As you share your experiences, therapists are actively processing information, identifying patterns, and formulating strategies to help you navigate your relationship challenges.

13. They’re Trained to Listen Intently (Listen, look, feel your energy. It's a lot to sort out!)

Active listening is a cornerstone of therapy. Therapists are trained to pick up on subtle cues, underlying emotions, and unspoken concerns to fully understand your perspective.

14. They Remember All the Dynamics at Play. (They may not remeber a name but they'll remember all the details of your story!)

Therapists juggle numerous details about each client’s life, including family dynamics, personal histories, and individual personalities, all while maintaining a calm and composed demeanor.

15. They Maintain Strict Confidentiality (That's why they ignore you at the grocery store)

Your privacy is paramount. Therapists adhere to strict ethical guidelines, ensuring that everything discussed in therapy remains confidential, fostering a safe space for open communication.

To sum up:

Your therapist is human too. Working hard to understand you and help guild you towards a better, happier and healthier life and relationship. Their greatest success is when you leave their office and recommend them to a friend or loved one.

5 Common Reasons Why Couples Go to Therapy: How an Expert Therapist Can Help

Each couple that walks into a therapy office is different. Their stories of how they met and fell in love are captivating and warming. Couple's "engagement story" always makes them smile and when they talk about the details of their wedding day, the whole tempo of the room can shift to a happy, joyous rhythm. But, don't be fooled, by the time a couple makes their first call to a marriage counselor's office they are far from this rhythm and by the time they sit down on a therapist's couch, they ALL have one thing in common; pain.

Couples rarely seek counseling until they are in fear of permanently losing their primary love connection. They wake up one morning (usually it's the middle of the night) and they realize that if things don't change, they may lose the person they once loved so dearly. They feel they've tried everything, except... reach for expert help.

Once the phone call has been made to a marriage therapist and an appointment is on their calendar, couples often breathe easier. For the moment, the pressure is off. Someone else is now in charge of "fixing it."

If this sounds like you, but you're not sure if this is the right avenue for your marriage, read on. You deserve to breathe easier too.

Here are 5 common reasons that couples seek expert counseling:

1. Difference of Values

Individual values can change throughout a lifetime and couples may not always start like-minded. Early in a relationship, couples often look past their differences. But, as time moves on, what was once a tolerable difference can now become a rub.

For example, you may value alone time while your spouse values and draws energy from time with friends; you may have spiritual differences that have become more expansive now that you have a baby or you may have changed your position on a core value that as a couple you shared, leading to turbulence in your relationship. Therapy can help you understand and respect each other on a deeper level, making living with the difference acceptable (instead of merely trying to change each other’s view.)

2. Communication

Couples can experience feelings of isolation and alienation due to a lack of connected communication. It's awful to feel alone while you're sitting next to the person you married.

In a new relationship, texting is flirty and fun. But, as time passes, you need to develop ways to effectively communicate from beyond a screen. Couples who experience communication difficulties have a tendency to dodge hard topics and minimize each other’s feelings, which can deteriorate a relationship. With the help of an expert therapist, couples who struggle with safe, connected communication can learn how to navigate conversations without hurting each other’s feelings (while gaining deeper insight into your lover's needs.) Yay! That's what we all want.

3. Money

Spending habits are a deeply held personal value, often tied to core emotional and psychological needs. We're often not aware of how we truly feel about money until we're in a relationship, and now we're dividing dinner bills and travel expenses (and mortgage down payments and Peleton memberships).

Couples can have differences when it comes to their money values based on how they were raised, how money was spoken about in their family of origin, their earning potential or past money traumas. Even if a couple's in basic agreement about their financial values, they can still have differences in opinion; like what to spend and what to save. Financial disagreements can cause tension and stress in a relationship. An expert therapist can help a couple safely unpack their money differences and then, reconnect with a higher level of understanding and empathy. They can also teach the couple how to spot money triggers and stay calm and connected while discussing how money can make them feel safe or unsafe.

4. Jealousy

Jealous feelings are often directly attached to relational wounds, both rational and irrational. Jealous behavior can come from a place of suspicion and insecurity. The behavior itself can often threaten to destroy a relationship.

Jealously is often comingled with feelings of inadequacy or inferiority—a byproduct of fear or triggered by old or recent traumas. Whether a partner obsessively checks the other’s computer and phone records, or they fear that a business trip is really a cover to continue an affair, jealousy can quickly dismantle a relationship by making well-meaning people act in ways that they never imagined. Working with an expert therapist can help couples understand why jealousy is driving unhealthy actions. It can help the couple decrease the chance of escalation (and disconnection which leads to more jealousy), help the couple to understand and put in place safe boundaries around their relationship and enable the couple to rebuild a solid foundation of trust.

5. Infidelity

Once infidelity is discovered or revealed, intense pain and a roller coaster of exaggerated emotions are the norms. Trust gets shattered and love goes into hiding.

Infidelity causes major trauma in a love relationship. Obsessiveness, depression, anxiety, and a profound sense of loss often follow. Heightened emotions can cause more damage to an already wounded love. Despite the powerful emotions after the disclosure or discovery of infidelity, marriage therapy with an expert marriage therapist can help couples understand and manage these feelings quickly and also learn what to expect in the hours, days and weeks to come. It's tough territory to navigate alone, for a love relationship. An expert marriage counselor will also provide tools for you to reestablish safety in your marriage, spot emotional triggers, communicate in a safe way and eventually reestablish the foundation of trust and respect needed to move forward in the marriage. When both partners commit to healing the relationship, statistics show that through expert counseling the vast majority of relationships can successfully move forward.

Jennifer Sigman, MS, LMFT is an expert in marriage and relationship counseling. Throughout her 29 years as a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, she has successfully guided countless couples through challenging times in their relationship. Jennifer also has expertise in the area of trauma and trauma recovery.