Why Therapy Alone Won’t Fix Your Relationship: The Power of Doing the Work Outside of Sessions

Couples therapy is a powerful tool for healing relationships, especially after betrayal. But I need to be honest — therapy alone won’t fix your marriage. Research by Dr. John Gottman, one of the world’s leading marriage experts, shows that couples who consistently apply what they learn in therapy outside of sessions have a significantly higher success rate than those who simply show up for weekly appointments. Gottman’s studies reveal that couples who actively work on their relationship outside of therapy have an 86% success rate, compared to those who just attend sessions (hoping that they’ll absorb and retain the information) without implementing changes, who see significantly lower long-term improvement.

So, why does doing the work matter so much? Therapy provides guidance, but real change happens in daily interactions—how you handle conflict, how you reconnect after arguments, and how you build trust over time. Couples who engage in structured therapy homework—such as internal check-ins, soft start-ups, and intentionally showing up for the marriage through making deposits into the invisible, emotional, marital bank account—see higher levels of relationship satisfaction, increased trust, and reduced conflict. These couples stop the old cycles and patterns and lean into new ones. Without these habits, couples often find themselves stuck in the same destructive cycles, expecting therapy alone to create miracles.

Ignoring therapy assignments is like hiring a personal trainer but never working out between sessions. I can promise you won’t see the best results. Gottman’s research highlights that couples who avoid applying therapy principles outside of the therapist’s office are more likely to drop out of therapy early and fall back into old, harmful communication patterns. It’s not enough to just talk about the relationship in a controlled environment—you have to live the change, every single day. And if you ask couples who have done the work, they’ll tell you, "It’s worth It".

If you’re in therapy but still struggling, ask yourself: Are we actually doing the work? Are we practicing what we learn? The good news is that small daily efforts can create massive long-term improvements. If you’re ready to stop repeating the same arguments and start making real progress, I can help. Reach out to me for powerful therapy exercises that will transform your relationship. Don’t just show up — do the work and see the difference.

Title: 15 Little-Known Facts About Your Therapist That Will Change the Way You Approach Marriage Therapy

Are you gearing up to meet with a marriage therapist for the first time? While it might feel a bit daunting, understanding a few key facts about your therapist could totally change the way you approach therapy—and the experience itself. Here are 10 little-known truths about marriage therapists that every couple should know before diving into therapy.

1. They’re Not Just Listening, They’re Strategizing

Your therapist is more than just a sounding board. They’re actively listening and formulating strategies to help you reconnect, rebuild trust, and work through challenges. They aren’t passive; they’re your guide to a healthier marriage.

2. They’ve Heard it All

Feel embarrassed about bringing up your most sensitive issues? Don’t! Therapists have heard it all, from everyday squabbles to major trust breaches. There’s nothing too embarrassing to talk about in therapy. They’ve seen it and worked through it all before.

3. They’re Not Your Referee (But we think it's funny that you think so)

It might seem like a therapist should step in when things get heated, but marriage therapy isn’t about taking sides. Therapists are there to guide the conversation, help you understand each other, and work toward solutions—not to pick winners and losers.

4. They Don’t Judge You (Really!)

One of the most common fears people have when starting therapy is that their therapist will judge them for their actions, emotions, or relationship history. The truth? Therapists don’t judge; they’re trained to be impartial and empathetic so they can help you improve, not criticize you.

5. They Believe in the Power of Small Changes

Therapists often emphasize that little changes can lead to big results. You don’t have to reinvent your relationship overnight. Baby steps toward healthier communication, trust, and intimacy can work wonders.

6. They Want You to Succeed (They really do!)

It’s in their best interest for you to succeed. Marriage therapists are passionate about helping couples overcome their struggles and build lasting, fulfilling relationships. Your success means they’ve done their job well.

7. They Don’t Have All the Answers (And That’s Okay)

Therapists aren’t mind readers or miracle workers. They’re there to guide the process, but they won’t always have every answer immediately. Marriage therapy is a journey, and your therapist is there to help you discover what works for you and your partner.

8. They Work With Both Partners (Not Just One)

One of the biggest misconceptions is that only one partner needs therapy. While individual therapy is valuable, marriage therapists specialize in working with both partners simultaneously to facilitate communication, collaboration, and mutual growth.

9. They’re Not Just There for Big Issues

Yes, therapists are great for working through major life events like infidelity or parenting struggles. But they can also be super helpful when you’re facing smaller, everyday relationship challenges. Regular therapy check-ins can keep your marriage strong before things escalate.

10. They Never Stop Learning (That's why you're paying the big bucks)

Marriage therapists are committed to continuous education, regularly attending workshops and seminars to stay updated on the latest therapeutic techniques and research. This dedication ensures they provide the most effective strategies for your relationship.

11. Their Job Is Incredibly Stressful (dare ya to try it for a day and not be wiped out)

Managing multiple clients daily, often dealing with complex and emotionally charged issues, can be mentally and emotionally taxing. Despite this, they remain dedicated to supporting you through your challenges.

12. While You Speak, They’re Solving a Mental Puzzle (and managing their own emotions)

As you share your experiences, therapists are actively processing information, identifying patterns, and formulating strategies to help you navigate your relationship challenges.

13. They’re Trained to Listen Intently (Listen, look, feel your energy. It's a lot to sort out!)

Active listening is a cornerstone of therapy. Therapists are trained to pick up on subtle cues, underlying emotions, and unspoken concerns to fully understand your perspective.

14. They Remember All the Dynamics at Play. (They may not remeber a name but they'll remember all the details of your story!)

Therapists juggle numerous details about each client’s life, including family dynamics, personal histories, and individual personalities, all while maintaining a calm and composed demeanor.

15. They Maintain Strict Confidentiality (That's why they ignore you at the grocery store)

Your privacy is paramount. Therapists adhere to strict ethical guidelines, ensuring that everything discussed in therapy remains confidential, fostering a safe space for open communication.

To sum up:

Your therapist is human too. Working hard to understand you and help guild you towards a better, happier and healthier life and relationship. Their greatest success is when you leave their office and recommend them to a friend or loved one.

Why People Really Go to Therapy: 10 Reasons You Didn’t See Coming (and 10 You Totally Did)

When most people think about why someone goes to therapy, the usual suspects come to mind: anxiety, depression, grief. And sure, those are common reasons, but they’re far from the whole story. Therapy isn’t just for life’s “rock bottom” moments—it’s also for the quiet struggles, the weird patterns, and the “Why does this keep happening?” moments. Let’s break it down.

The 10 Obvious Reasons People Go to Therapy:

1. Anxiety or stress
2. Depression or low mood
3. Grief and loss
4. Trauma and PTSD
5. Major life transitions (like divorce, job loss, or moving)
6. Relationship issues (Pre-Marital, Affair Repair, Divorce couseling)
7. Low self-esteem or confidence
8. Addiction or unhealthy coping habits
9. Parenting challenges
10. Mental health diagnoses (like OCD, bipolar disorder, etc.)

The 10 Not-So-Obvious Reasons People Go to Therapy (That Totally Make Sense):

For Couples:

1. The “Who Loads the Dishwasher Right?” Fight: It’s never just about the dishwasher. Therapy helps couples stop arguing about the small stuff and start hearing each other’s deeper needs.
2. Because the Kids Left, and Now It’s… Quiet. The empty nest can feel less like freedom and more like, Do we even like each other anymore? Therapy helps couples reconnect after the parenting chapter closes.
3. To Stop Feeling Like Roommates with Joint Custody of the Couch: When life gets busy, romance can flatline. Therapy helps couples move from “co-managers of chaos” back to “partners in love.”
4. To Argue Like Adults (Not Exhausted Teenagers): Conflict is normal—therapy teaches couples how to fight fair, without turning it into a full-blown Cold War.
5. Because One of You Talks Too Much, and the Other Shuts Down: Therapy helps bridge the gap between “Can we please talk about it?” and “Do we have to?”

For Individuals:

6. To Stop Saying “Yes” When You Mean “I’d Rather Swallow a Cactus”: People-pleasing is exhausting. Therapy helps you find your boundaries—and stick to them.
7. Because You’re Crying at Dog Food Commercials (and You Don’t Even Have a Dog): Random emotions are usually about more than just a sad soundtrack. Therapy helps you figure out what’s really going on.
8. To Break the Cycle of “Why Do I Keep Doing This?!” Whether it’s dating the same type of person or procrastinating again, therapy helps you break old patterns.
9. Because “Work-Life Balance” Feels Like a Joke: Therapy helps you stop feeling like you’re failing at everything and start finding peace in the chaos.
10. To Have One Space That’s Just Yours: No advice, no judgment—just someone listening while you untangle the mental spaghetti. The Bottom Line: Therapy isn’t just for crisis mode. It’s for the moments when life feels off, when patterns don’t make sense, and when you’re tired of pretending everything’s fine.

Wondering if therapy might help you - Let’s talk. Schedule your first session today and see how clarity can change everything.