Why Therapy Alone Won’t Fix Your Relationship: The Power of Doing the Work Outside of Sessions

Couples therapy is a powerful tool for healing relationships, especially after betrayal. But I need to be honest — therapy alone won’t fix your marriage. Research by Dr. John Gottman, one of the world’s leading marriage experts, shows that couples who consistently apply what they learn in therapy outside of sessions have a significantly higher success rate than those who simply show up for weekly appointments. Gottman’s studies reveal that couples who actively work on their relationship outside of therapy have an 86% success rate, compared to those who just attend sessions (hoping that they’ll absorb and retain the information) without implementing changes, who see significantly lower long-term improvement.

So, why does doing the work matter so much? Therapy provides guidance, but real change happens in daily interactions—how you handle conflict, how you reconnect after arguments, and how you build trust over time. Couples who engage in structured therapy homework—such as internal check-ins, soft start-ups, and intentionally showing up for the marriage through making deposits into the invisible, emotional, marital bank account—see higher levels of relationship satisfaction, increased trust, and reduced conflict. These couples stop the old cycles and patterns and lean into new ones. Without these habits, couples often find themselves stuck in the same destructive cycles, expecting therapy alone to create miracles.

Ignoring therapy assignments is like hiring a personal trainer but never working out between sessions. I can promise you won’t see the best results. Gottman’s research highlights that couples who avoid applying therapy principles outside of the therapist’s office are more likely to drop out of therapy early and fall back into old, harmful communication patterns. It’s not enough to just talk about the relationship in a controlled environment—you have to live the change, every single day. And if you ask couples who have done the work, they’ll tell you, "It’s worth It".

If you’re in therapy but still struggling, ask yourself: Are we actually doing the work? Are we practicing what we learn? The good news is that small daily efforts can create massive long-term improvements. If you’re ready to stop repeating the same arguments and start making real progress, I can help. Reach out to me for powerful therapy exercises that will transform your relationship. Don’t just show up — do the work and see the difference.

Why People Really Go to Therapy: 10 Reasons You Didn’t See Coming (and 10 You Totally Did)

When most people think about why someone goes to therapy, the usual suspects come to mind: anxiety, depression, grief. And sure, those are common reasons, but they’re far from the whole story. Therapy isn’t just for life’s “rock bottom” moments—it’s also for the quiet struggles, the weird patterns, and the “Why does this keep happening?” moments. Let’s break it down.

The 10 Obvious Reasons People Go to Therapy:

1. Anxiety or stress
2. Depression or low mood
3. Grief and loss
4. Trauma and PTSD
5. Major life transitions (like divorce, job loss, or moving)
6. Relationship issues (Pre-Marital, Affair Repair, Divorce couseling)
7. Low self-esteem or confidence
8. Addiction or unhealthy coping habits
9. Parenting challenges
10. Mental health diagnoses (like OCD, bipolar disorder, etc.)

The 10 Not-So-Obvious Reasons People Go to Therapy (That Totally Make Sense):

For Couples:

1. The “Who Loads the Dishwasher Right?” Fight: It’s never just about the dishwasher. Therapy helps couples stop arguing about the small stuff and start hearing each other’s deeper needs.
2. Because the Kids Left, and Now It’s… Quiet. The empty nest can feel less like freedom and more like, Do we even like each other anymore? Therapy helps couples reconnect after the parenting chapter closes.
3. To Stop Feeling Like Roommates with Joint Custody of the Couch: When life gets busy, romance can flatline. Therapy helps couples move from “co-managers of chaos” back to “partners in love.”
4. To Argue Like Adults (Not Exhausted Teenagers): Conflict is normal—therapy teaches couples how to fight fair, without turning it into a full-blown Cold War.
5. Because One of You Talks Too Much, and the Other Shuts Down: Therapy helps bridge the gap between “Can we please talk about it?” and “Do we have to?”

For Individuals:

6. To Stop Saying “Yes” When You Mean “I’d Rather Swallow a Cactus”: People-pleasing is exhausting. Therapy helps you find your boundaries—and stick to them.
7. Because You’re Crying at Dog Food Commercials (and You Don’t Even Have a Dog): Random emotions are usually about more than just a sad soundtrack. Therapy helps you figure out what’s really going on.
8. To Break the Cycle of “Why Do I Keep Doing This?!” Whether it’s dating the same type of person or procrastinating again, therapy helps you break old patterns.
9. Because “Work-Life Balance” Feels Like a Joke: Therapy helps you stop feeling like you’re failing at everything and start finding peace in the chaos.
10. To Have One Space That’s Just Yours: No advice, no judgment—just someone listening while you untangle the mental spaghetti. The Bottom Line: Therapy isn’t just for crisis mode. It’s for the moments when life feels off, when patterns don’t make sense, and when you’re tired of pretending everything’s fine.

Wondering if therapy might help you - Let’s talk. Schedule your first session today and see how clarity can change everything.