Unraveling the Heartache: Top 6 Challenges After Discovering an Affair

Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful can feel like one of the most devastating experiences you’ll ever have - your world has been turned upside down, leaving you feeling lost and overwhelmed. While it’s completely normal to experience a whirlwind of emotions during this time, I assure you, none of it will feel normal. Let’s explore some common feelings you might be going through, and I’ll provide some “pro tips” on navigating them.

1. Emotional Turmoil What You Might Be Feeling: A mix of anger, sadness, confusion, and even numbness. You might want to seek revenge or act in a way that’s out of character for you. These emotions can come and go, often without warning, making you feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster.

Pro Tip: Allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgment and without acting out on them. Consider writing down your thoughts to prevent them from repeating in your head. Over time the intensity will lessen, and you’ll never regret acting with a cool head. Talk to a trusted friend or therapist regularly to help process your feelings.

2. Intrusive Thoughts What You Might Be Experiencing: Constantly thinking about the affair, replaying events, or imagining scenarios. You may also find yourself going back in time, stringing together timelines and trying to figure out how you got blindsided.

Pro Tip: Engage in practices such as thought replacement, distraction, or physical movement to manage these thoughts. Distracting yourself with a hot bath or engaging in healthy activities that tire you out, like a vigorous walk, can also help. Avoid excessive caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol right now. They can make you feel worse.

3. Self-Doubt What You Might Be Questioning: Your self-worth. You may question your looks, your weight, or how you dress. You may wonder what you did wrong.

Pro Tip: Remember, the affair reflects your partner’s poor choice; it’s not a reflection of you. You should not take responsibility for someone else’s behavior. Surround yourself with reasonable and supportive people. Engage in activities that remind you of your core values and remember what you like about yourself.

4. Trust Issues What You Might Be Feeling: Trusting your partner might seem impossible right now. You might be reluctant to believe you could ever trust them again. That feels dangerous and confusing.

Pro Tip: Rebuilding trust can happen, but it takes time and specific actions. It’s essential to have safe and honest communication with your partner right now, and lots of it. Designating time for these conversations is essential. Seeking a Marriage/Couples Therapist who has experience in affair recovery can provide a safe setting to understand the path forward.

5. Fear of Judgment What You Might Be Worried About: What friends, family, or others might think of your partner or what they might think about you for staying or leaving. We’ve all said, “If that ever happened to me, I’d____” (and usually in a firm voice).

Pro Tip: Be thoughtful about whom you confide in, opting for those who will offer you support without judgment. If you don’t have anyone to lean on, know you’re not alone. Professional counselling can help, but there’s support in educating yourself too - with podcasts or books. There are excellent resources out there.

6. Uncertainty About the Future What You Might Be Feeling: Not knowing what lies ahead can be daunting. The foundation of your life has just crumbled, and the future, as you imagined it, has been destroyed.

Pro Tip: Focus on the present moment and take things one step at a time. Setting small, achievable goals can help you regain a sense of control. Time may move slowly (for a while), so keep your routine as normal as possible to stay afloat. When it feels like nothing is in your control, remember all the small and medium things that are (in fact) in your control.

Some Books That Might Help Reading can offer comfort and guidance during this challenging time. Here are some books that others have found helpful:

1. “After the Affair” by Janis Abrahms Spring This book provides insights into healing and rebuilding trust after infidelity.
2. “Not ‘Just Friends’” by Shirley P. Glass It delves into understanding and recovering from emotional and physical affairs.
3. “The State of Affairs” by Esther Perel Esther Perel offers a thought-provoking look at infidelity and its impact on relationships.

Summary:

In the immediate aftermath of relationship betrayal, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed by a flood of emotions. This is an incredibly challenging time, and it’s important to honor your feelings rather than ignore them. Allow yourself to cry (whenever you need to), and remember to breathe deeply to help calm your body. Taking care of your physical health is crucial; ensure you stay hydrated and consider taking vitamins and minerals to support your body during this stressful period. Understand that healing is a slow, steady journey—take it one hour and one day at a time. Many have walked this path before you; they are the brave individuals all around you. Be kind and loving to your broken heart—it needs your compassion now more than ever. Lean on trusted friends, family, or professionals for support, and remember that seeking help is courageous. With time, patience, and self-care, you will find your way through this devastation to a better tomorrow. The sun will shine again.

If you’re seeking support from an experienced therapist who has guided countless couples through the challenges of affair recovery over the past three decades, I’m here to help. If you're in the Orlando, Florida area or willing to travel in for an intensive,together, we can navigate this difficult journey toward healing and rebuilding trust. Find more information HERE

Mental Health: Post-Pandemic

Written by: Tessa Sigman, ESQ

The COVID-19 pandemic has negatively impacted mental health across the nation. As we acclimate to post-pandemic life, you may experience increased anxiety about reopening. And, as the U.S. vaccination rate rises, the question gripping the nation is “When will things go back to normal?” Although worry, fear, and stress are typical emotional responses to what the world is living through, the pandemic’s impact on mental health should not be ignored.

Our bodies are complex systems, which often run without our conscious guidance. A part of this system is our fight or flight response—the body’s built-in alarm to protect you from potential danger. Over the past year, we have significantly reduced the amount of time we spend out of the house, while training our body’s alarm system to be conscious of factors that we previously ignored. With home being the ultimate comfort zone, some have become extra worried about the danger that awaits outside.

As we embark on this post-pandemic journey, the messages that we have learned over the past months do not just vanish. The knowledge that the alarm is unnecessary is insufficient for our bodies to simply stop reacting. Fortunately, we can help our bodies learn that it no longer needs to be afraid in certain situations, and these tips for a gradual re-entry into a post-pandemic world can help ease your transition:

1. Acknowledge Your Anxiety: The pandemic has taken everyone on an emotional roller coaster. It is okay to feel triggered about close human contact and things of this nature. If your brain presents you with a “what if” question, like “What if this isn’t safe?”, realize that it is okay to be uncertain about this. Allowing yourself to acknowledge how you are feeling can help you focus on overcoming anxiety and minimizing these symptoms.
2. Start Slowly: Allow your body and mind time to adjust. While you may be tired of being at home, going full-speed ahead into things may increase your anxiety. If you are feeling overwhelmed, take smaller steps before working up to bigger events.
3. Positive Thinking: Anxiety can often be related to intrusive or irrational thinking. Letting yourself dwell on these thoughts can magnify the negativity. Instead, focus on actively changing your perception to a more positive one. When negative thoughts enter your mind, taking a moment to alter your thinking can make a large difference in how you perceive the world and how you behave.
4. Be Compassionate to Yourself: This process may be a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Excitement to reenter the world can co-exist with grief and fear. While these emotions may seem to be incongruent, it is normal and important to allow yourself to feel everything that you are experiencing. Be kind to yourself.
5. Seek Support: You do not have to go through this alone. There is a strong chance that the people around you will be able to relate to, and validate, your feelings and experiences. Talking through fears with a support system can help to reduce associated anxieties. Support can come from friends, family, or a mental health professional.