Journaling 101. How to Write that Crap Down.

If you’re interested in journaling but don't, but know where to start, you've come to the right place. There are different types of journaling + it’s something that I recommend you do every day or at least on a consistent basis. I found that there are three types of journaling. Data dump journaling, gratitude journaling, and connection journaling.

Data dump journaling is exactly what it sounds like. Dump that data! It's great for getting out those spinning thoughts. It’s not intended to re-read or revisit. It’s only intended to clear space for new information. No formality. You can do it with pen + paper, on your phone (Day One is a good Journaling App) or on your computer. Whatever you prefer. I often hear from clients that they get immediate relief from data dump journaling.

Gratitude journaling is the best! It refocuses your emotional compass towards holding positive energy for things that are really important in your life. The things you cherish. I found in my practice that when clients regularly practice gratitude journaling, they report their energy + outlook shifts in a positive way. They report that it impacts their relationships positively + their overall feeling of well-being improves. This type of journaling is as easy as writing down 3-5 things you have gratitude for, every day. It doesn’t matter if you do this in the evening, then it sets you up for an emotionally positive sleep. Or if you do this in the morning, then you set your compass in the right direction for an emotionally positive day. What matters is that you do it consistently. It also doesn’t matter if you repeat the same things again and again – although I would suggest that you look for different things on a daily basis. The big things you hold Gratitude for are always easy to identify. Look for the medium and small things. If you can put down a few reasons why they're important to you, that’s a bonus.

Connection journaling is a journaling meditation practice. It’s about connecting to positive energy, a higher vibration. As you journal, this often starts with a few benign sentences about the moment or the day or how you feel - you’ll start getting into "flow". Once you’re in flow, no judgment, just information coming out of you. You’ll connect to a higher version of yourself. Maybe your intuitive self. It allows for insights to flow + "Ah-Ha's" to come regularly.

For me, connection journaling has created the most profound shifts + greatest insights. It's been life and relationship changing.

Don’t think you have time for journaling? Recently I discovered the Five Minute Journal. It gives you five short prompts daily. It’s fast. I have clients that use it with their spouses and have purchased them for their teens. You can find the 5 Minute Journal at www.journalhabit.com. Look in the Shop.

Happy journaling.

Why You’re Listening All Wrong in Your Marriage

Life gets busy. Pause. Breath deeply. Try again.

The longer you're married, the more likely you'll hear the phrase “You never listen.” Hearing is one of our primary senses, though we don’t pay much attention to it. Like sight and taste, we take it for granted until it’s interfered with… through a cold, a bad cell phone connection or deafness. Partly, we don't think of listening as a skill. Like eyesight or tasting, we don't know we can improve it. We just assume that we're always hearing/listening and doing a fine job.

I once read that the beginning of a new love relationship is like being intimate with a “Big Ear.” Your new relationship partner hangs on to every syllable and listens to every word you say. They are totally "tuned in" - and this is a turn on! This leaves you feeling good. Cared for. It’s in these moments of the relationship that we feel most connected, most heard and ironically most “seen”. If the relationship progresses, we feel accepted.

Perhaps we consider marriage the ultimate sign of acceptance. If someone agrees to merge their life with ours, despite our sometimes unsavory stories of a character flaw or a life dramatically lived, we can put down the Big Ear and get on with the mundane tasks of day to day living. We float back to listening as we always have... only tuning in to hear, when the station is of interest.

Our marriage partner often does the same thing. Now, they listen with half the effort of the Big Ear. This pattern can lead to marriages that get into the poor communication rut. Maybe it looks like this:

• Everyone is talking and no one is listening.

• Your partner is talking and you're interrupting.

• Your partner is talking and you’re thinking of “the right answer”.

• You’re scared to ask questions because you don’t know what to do with the answers.

• You take their words so personally, it’s hard to listen.

• Your marriage partner is talking and you’re not tuned in at all.

We make mistakes and that’s okay because we’re all human. However, if you practice these Don’ts and Dos you’ll ultimately build your skillset and find connection in your marriage again.

DON’T:

1. Focus on your answer.

2. Fidget.

3. Try to shut down the conversation quickly.

4. Personalize what your loved one is saying and become defensive.

5. Hold your breath.

6. Stare so hard you’re not blinking.

7. Rush to fill the silence.

The good news is to be a good listener, you don’t have to know the answer or come up with an immediate solution. Most connection happens when you’re being the “Big Ear”.

DO:

1. Slow and relax your body movements.

2. Express curiosity “How was that ____ for you?”

3. Offer words of understanding. “That makes sense…” or “I understand you could feel that way.”

4. Take thoughtful breaths.

5. Pause and allow 2 seconds of silence before you fill the space with words.

6. When it’s particularly uncomfortable, remind yourself that you are loved by this person.

What matters, is that both people in the marriage want to feel connected. They know they felt appreciated and accepted at some point in time and they’re willing to hang in there to get back to those old feelings. Listening is different than hearing. Enter these moments with the intention to hear. Get tuned in, turned on and watch your marriage connection grow.

CLICK HERE... for a good example of right listening.

5 Steps to a Joyous Thanksgiving Day

Every Thanksgiving I get excited. I love this time of the year. The coolness in the air, the crisp smells of fall. My best friend often calls me around this time of year and says she remembers how much I love the cool air mixed with the sunshine. She reminds me that since we were kids, it’s made me happy.

I feel like Thanksgiving is one of the only times in the year that things truly slow down and the country takes a break. I’ve always loved the quietness around me when the country takes a break. I remember in college loving the quiet Sunday mornings in my college town. I felt like the world was moving slowly on Sunday morning, being mindful, showing gratitude. The streets were quiet. I could get a coffee and only a few people were around. I could breathe better. Deeper. I could walk to the library and slowly walk up the grand stairs to the stacks where I could hear the echo of the distinguished rooms and feel deep gratitude for all the books surrounding me, the beauty of the architecture and I could truly thank myself for all the hard work I was doing at University. On Sunday mornings I felt the vibration around me was one of compassion and kindness.

That’s why I love Thanksgiving. The streets are quiet and the few people I see are in the spirit of connection. A smile. A “Good Morning”. I love the idea of giving thanks, of having gratitude. The thought that everyone around me is also in a space of gratitude warms my soul and makes me happy. It’s like we are of like minds, for a few hours.

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect and give thanks outwardly as well as inwardly. Thanks to myself for showing up, every day, and giving what I had that day.

Here are 5 easy steps that you can incorporate into your Thanksgiving day to get the most joy out of this holiday:

1. Get up early and do a TurkeyTrott 5k or 10k, a meditation, a yoga class or a mindful walk. Have a mind of gratitude for the small things you see around you, the colors, the smells, the sounds around you.

2. Smile. The colors will get brighter and I promise you'll feel it in your heart center.

3. Say ‘Yes.” “Yes” to arriving early. “Yes” to wholeheartedly asking people about themselves. “Yes” to being thoughtful about all your blessings.

4. Eat with joy and modesty. Recognize the abundance we have. Listen to your body and feed it gently.

5. Take time to thank yourself. You've done a lot this year, these 12 months. Truly spend 5-30 minutes in self-gratitude. Consider the many things you've done. The small things you've done are so important. Look at your calendar if you need a reminder - I know I often do.

This week give wholehearted thanks. We have blessings all around us. Even when things are tough. Step off the Hamster wheel and connect today - with yourself and the earth. You won’t regret it!

Reframe it and Embrace it!

I was listening to Talk of the Nation on NPR recently and Neil Conan was talking to Ellen Langer whose books include Counter Clockwise: Mindful Health and the Power of Possibility and Mindfulness and The Power of Mindful Learning.

A man called in and said that he uses mindfulness as a way to change a negative experience into a neutral or positive experience. He gave the example of cleaning the bathroom. He said that when his wife asks him to clean the bathroom, instead of saying to himself “I have to clean the bathroom” –ugh, he reframes it and says “I get to clean the bathroom.”  He explained that he consciously considers all the people who don’t have their physical health and can’t clean, who have lost their homes and don’t have a bathroom to clean or (my addition) have lost their spouse who might have asked them to clean.  Suddenly, it becomes a chore of appreciation rather than an irritating request by a spouse. 

I wonder how you can reframe things in your life and relationships; it can reduce external and internal conflict and may bring you some surprising peacefulness.  I reframe my teenager’s messy rooms all the time. I think:  it’s not that they’re showing disrespect to me, it’s that they’re not insecure and anxious to please others and they’re relaxed enough with me to let me see their “real” selves. See how this works ;-).