I Called It Love - But It Was Self-Abandonment

For years, I called it love.

But if I’m honest, it was self-abandonment — the kind that feels noble until it leaves you hollow.

I stayed when I should’ve gone. I apologized for things that weren’t mine. I stayed quiet when I was really screaming. I told myself I was being kind when what I was really doing was disappearing.

It took me a long time to see that the greatest distance in my relationships wasn’t between me and the people I loved — it was between me and myself.

In therapy, I see this every day: women who equate loyalty with self-sacrifice. We confuse being loving with being selfless. But there’s a difference between loving and losing yourself in the process.

IFS (Internal Family Systems) has language for this. It teaches that we are made of many parts — our protectors, our exiles, our inner critics, our Self-energy. When we stop listening to one of those voices because it’s confusing, inconvenient, or painful, we’re abandoning that part of ourselves. When we silence the part that says, “This doesn’t feel right,” because we don’t want conflict, we abandon the truth-teller — our core Self. When we push away the part that’s angry or scared, we exile the one who most needs our compassion. When we overwork, overgive, or over-care, we often do it to keep those vulnerable parts quiet — yet tell ourselves the story that we’re being helpful, valuable, and therefore worthy of love.

That’s self-abandonment in real time.

I know because I’ve done it, too. I’ve heard that inner whisper — the one that says, “This isn’t working,” or “That’s a dealbreaker” — and I’ve told it, “Not now.” I’ve ignored my gut and called it being patient. I’ve silenced the part that wanted honesty and called it peace — and even, sometimes, strategy.

How can I connect in a relationship if I’m not even there — if I’ve already abandoned myself?

Loving yourself more doesn’t mean loving others less. It means loving them from a place of wholeness instead of self-lessness or abandonment. It means listening to your parts — the wise one, the hurt one, the tired one, the brave one, the scared one — and letting them know they matter. Letting your wise Self lead. It means trusting that you have room and time for others without leaving yourself behind.

Coming home to yourself isn’t dramatic. It’s small moments of honesty: pausing before you say yes, checking in with yourself and noticing when your body tightens, choosing you with kindness and without apology, speaking the truth even when your voice shakes.

You don’t have to earn your place by disappearing. You belong here — exactly as you are.

If this resonates, therapy is a place where you can find your way back to yourself. Your whole Self.

“How can I connect in a relationship if I’m not even there—if I’ve already abandoned myself?”

— JS

You are Resilient

Have you ever noticed that some people bounce back from tough times easier than others? Some people seem to "roll with it" + their attitudes are sprinkled with humor or a positive outlook. They can find their way thoughtfully through a problem. They appear to be flexible. You turn to them in tough times because they always leave you feeling optimistic + they can see the silver lining. 

This is resilience and we all have it. Some people feed it with fertilizer so it grows big and beautiful. Thoughtful that if they don't feed it, their resilience will wilt, they practice certain things every single day. You can practice these things too. 

There are 9 pillars of reliance and at least one proven practice for improving + growing + strengthening your resilience. 

Remembering who you are when you haven't seen yourself for awhile. 

Start by recalling how you got through a difficult time in the time past. What strategies did you use? What did you do to "come up for air"? What story did you tell yourself? This is resilience. Now water + fertilize that in the days + weeks to come. You're on the right track.  

 Quick Take-Aways

9 Pillars of Resilience

• Optimism

• Altruism

• Moral Compass

• Faith and Spirituality

• Humor

• Having a Role Model

• Social Supports

• Facing Fear

• Meaning or Purpose in Life

A Proven practice for improving resilience

Change the narrative 

"When something bad happens, we often relive the event over and over in our heads, rehashing the pain. This process is called rumination; it’s like a cognitive spinning of the wheels, and it doesn’t move us forward toward healing and growth.  

The practice of Expressive Writing can move us forward by helping us gain new insights on the challenges in our lives. It involves free writing continuously for 20 minutes about an issue, exploring your deepest thoughts and feelings around it. The goal is to get something down on paper, not to create a memoir-like masterpiece."

For more information on changing the narrative: https://positivepsychology.com/3-resilience-scales/

For more information on the pillars: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/five_science_backed_strategies_to_build_resilience

Journaling 101. How to Write that Crap Down.

If you’re interested in journaling but don't, but know where to start, you've come to the right place. There are different types of journaling + it’s something that I recommend you do every day or at least on a consistent basis. I found that there are three types of journaling. Data dump journaling, gratitude journaling, and connection journaling.

Data dump journaling is exactly what it sounds like. Dump that data! It's great for getting out those spinning thoughts. It’s not intended to re-read or revisit. It’s only intended to clear space for new information. No formality. You can do it with pen + paper, on your phone (Day One is a good Journaling App) or on your computer. Whatever you prefer. I often hear from clients that they get immediate relief from data dump journaling.

Gratitude journaling is the best! It refocuses your emotional compass towards holding positive energy for things that are really important in your life. The things you cherish. I found in my practice that when clients regularly practice gratitude journaling, they report their energy + outlook shifts in a positive way. They report that it impacts their relationships positively + their overall feeling of well-being improves. This type of journaling is as easy as writing down 3-5 things you have gratitude for, every day. It doesn’t matter if you do this in the evening, then it sets you up for an emotionally positive sleep. Or if you do this in the morning, then you set your compass in the right direction for an emotionally positive day. What matters is that you do it consistently. It also doesn’t matter if you repeat the same things again and again – although I would suggest that you look for different things on a daily basis. The big things you hold Gratitude for are always easy to identify. Look for the medium and small things. If you can put down a few reasons why they're important to you, that’s a bonus.

Connection journaling is a journaling meditation practice. It’s about connecting to positive energy, a higher vibration. As you journal, this often starts with a few benign sentences about the moment or the day or how you feel - you’ll start getting into "flow". Once you’re in flow, no judgment, just information coming out of you. You’ll connect to a higher version of yourself. Maybe your intuitive self. It allows for insights to flow + "Ah-Ha's" to come regularly.

For me, connection journaling has created the most profound shifts + greatest insights. It's been life and relationship changing.

Don’t think you have time for journaling? Recently I discovered the Five Minute Journal. It gives you five short prompts daily. It’s fast. I have clients that use it with their spouses and have purchased them for their teens. You can find the 5 Minute Journal at www.journalhabit.com. Look in the Shop.

Happy journaling.